


Invisible Scars

by Clare_Hope



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Chronic Pain, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-01-24 16:42:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21341413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clare_Hope/pseuds/Clare_Hope
Summary: Ever since Wonderland, the lower half of Taako's body just...doesn't work as well as it used to. He hides it for as long as he can, but he can't keep it from his family forever.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 180
Kudos: 365





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My back injury has been really bad recently and I like projecting, so Taako gets to be in pain too! I'm not posting this on a schedule or anything, just whenever I have something to add to it. If anyone wants anything specific from any future chapters, let me know and I'm happy to write it in! I'm @johannsviolin on tumblr! <3 ~Martin

_ I can't just ignore this any longer. _

Taako was half-sitting, half-laying down in the hallway. It was the middle of the night, and he was in more pain than he had been in a long time.

The thing was, he had so much less to complain about than most of his family these days. Lup had gotten her body back almost a full year ago, but she still struggled with fine motor skills and disassociation. Magnus, too, had disassociation problems after his time in the mannequin body. Merle had only one arm and only one eye. Physically, all Taako _ should _ have had to worry about was the loss of his perfect beauty, which was becoming less and less of a big deal as he got used to seeing a slightly unfamiliar face in the mirror before casting his glamour spell or doing his makeup.

But that wasn't all. Not really.

Ever since Wonderland, the lower half of Taako's body just...didn't work as well as it used to. Sure, it was _ healed _. There were no scars, no crookedness to speak of. Merle had done a great job with the healing spells. By all rights, Taako should have been perfectly fine. But the grievous injuries had left their mark somewhere deep inside him where no healing spell could reach. 

He didn't tell anyone. Not Kravitz. Not even Lup. He could hide his winces of pain most of the time. If his legs gave out underneath him (which they did, a lot), it was easy enough to claim that he had just twisted his ankle slightly or tripped over something. He didn't want them to make a fuss over it. _ It'll go away eventually _, Taako told himself. As the months passed, that became less and less convincing. If anything, the pain was getting worse.

What had once been occasional twinges interspersed with a few hours here and there of more intense pain was now a near constant ache in his hips and legs. Every few steps he took sent a stabbing pain down his left leg. There had been a few days where it had gotten so bad that he couldn't walk further than across a room without having to sit down. It hurt to sit. It hurt worse to stand. It also hurt to lay down, but that seemed to be the best option in general. He brushed off his family's concerns by staying at work and claiming that he was just too busy to come home for a few days, spending the time curled up in his office and hoping that the pain would disappear eventually. It faded enough after a couple of days that he could go home and keep pretending.

But tonight when Taako had gotten up to go to the bathroom, he knew it was bad again. Luckily, it was Barry and Kravitz's turn to work the night shift this week (the three reapers traded off so that someone was always home to stay at the house--nightmares were so common among the dozen or so members of the family who would sometimes be staying over that it was best not to let anyone be alone in the house all night), so Taako didn't have to stifle his whimpers of pain as he stumbled to the door.

He had made it halfway back to his bedroom from the bathroom when his left leg gave out completely. He fell to the floor despite grabbing onto the wall to keep himself upright. The fall jolted him and sent shocks of pain through his lower body. It hurt so badly that for a moment, he thought he might pass out. He managed to barely cling to consciousness as he breathed shallowly and waited for it to be over.

After a few minutes, he cautiously tried to get back up. It didn't work. Every movement made the pain throb worse. _ I'm just stuck here _, he realized with horror. He couldn't stop himself from starting to cry. Taako was totally fucking helpless and in so much pain he could hardly breathe--he figured he probably deserved to let himself cry for a bit.

_ I need help _ , was the conclusion he came to after sobbing uselessly into his hands for a few minutes. He couldn't just stay there until morning, when Lup would undoubtedly find him and freak out. She was going to freak out anyway, but it would be better if he asked for help willingly. _ Fuck. I've tried to deal with this by myself for so long. _ He hated that he didn't have a choice now.

"Lup," he said, gritting his teeth. A little louder, he called, "Lup! Lup, I need you!"

Very quickly, the door at the far end of the hallway opened and Lup rushed out. When she saw Taako on the ground, she gasped and ran towards him. "Taako! Are you hurt? What's wrong?" 

"I…" Now that she was here, Taako found that his guard was dropping. He was crying again. She tried to hug him, but being moved made him cry out in pain. "Don't! It hurts too much, Lup!"

"Shhh, shh," she said soothingly, taking his hands. "What's wrong, hey? What happened? Where does it hurt? Do you need me to get Merle?"

Taako shook his head. "Nothing he can do," he sniffled. "Lup, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"What for? Taako? Taako, you're scaring me, zeeskeit, you're really scaring me." Her voice trembled.

"Don't--no, no, I'm _ fine _, I'm just...it hurts. A lot. And I'm sorry for not telling you."

Lup pulled his head into her lap and stroked his hair. "What hurts? You can tell me now, Taako."

"You're gonna be so pissed I haven't talked to you," he said weakly.

"I...no, I won't get mad, I promise. Just talk to me now." She squeezed his hand. "Talk to me now, Taako. Where does it hurt?"

"M-my legs? Are kinda fucked up," he confessed. "They have been, since, um, W-Wonderland. But it's gotten worse, a lot worse. It wasn't so bad at first, mostly just irritating. It's just been the past few months when it's gotten really bad."

Her breath caught in her throat. "But I thought you were completely healed. You told me you were healed."

Taako bit his lip. "I _ am _, that's the thing. Merle fixed everything. But it still hurts."

"How?"

"I don't know, Lup, I...I even asked him to check, at one point, but he said that nothing was physically wrong. Or at least nothing that magic could fix." He grabbed onto her wrist as another spasm passed through his left leg.

"Easy, easy, breathe," she said softly. "But right now, it...it hurts so badly that you can't even stand up?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, Taako." Lup leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Okay. I'm not gonna be pissed that you hid this from me, but I am going to insist on trying to help. Okay?"

"Thank you." Some of the tension left his chest. He had definitely been worried that she would be angry. "Um, can you help me get back to bed? I...I can't really move."

"I've gotcha," Lup reassured him. "Just hold still, okay? I'll be super gentle, but it might still hurt." She scooped him up into her arms while they were still on the ground. "Okay?"

"Not gonna lie, even just that hurt a lot," Taako said hoarsely. He draped his arms around her neck. "But it's not your fault. Go ahead."

"Take some deep breaths." She stood up. It wasn't a long walk to Taako's bedroom, but he was whimpering with every jostle. "Almost there. Shhh, almost there."

Being laid down on his bed wasn't even much of a relief. Then again, nothing was a relief from the pain these days. And he was just _ so tired _ of being in pain. His eyes filled with tears again. "Stay?" he pleaded.

Lup sat down next to him. "Of course. Can you sleep?"

"Hurts too much." He reached for her hand and clung tightly. "It hurts way too fucking much, Lulu, I just want it to stop."

"I can tell, Koko. Oh, I wish you had told me sooner. There must be _ something _ we can do for the pain, right? Have you tried anything?" she asked.

"Healing potions don't do shit, 'cause there's nothing to heal. I don't know, Lu, I don't know what to do." His voice cracked. "I don't know what to do, I…"

"Okay, alright, shhh, shhh." Lup stroked his hair back from his forehead. "Listen, tomorrow when Barry and Kravitz get back, we're gonna figure something out, okay? I'd try now, but I really don't want to leave you alone even for a minute. But I'm positive there's something out there that can help you. And if there isn't, we'll make something. In the meantime, just take some deep breaths with me. There you go, in and out. Look at me, Taako. Focus on me."

He gazed at his sister, concentrating on her until the worst of the pain faded into the background.

"That's it, there you go. Stay with me, Taako. I'm right here, that's all you need to focus on. We've got opposite problems, huh? You need an escape from your body and I need to be reminded to stay inside mine." She smiled sadly. "Keep looking right at me, zeeskeit."

"Lup," he whispered. "It's helping."

She acknowledged it with a nod and kept murmuring comfortingly. The words stopped meaning anything after a while, and Taako's eyes kept drifting closed. "Go to sleep, go to sleep. Close your eyes, Koko, shhh. I'll stay right here with you. You're going to be just fine. Close your eyes...that's it. Keep listening to my voice and just go to sleep. There, there you are. Shhh, go to sleep…"


	2. Chapter 2

"Rough night?"

Taako almost whimpered as he woke up when the pain that had blissfully receded in his sleep came back full force. But he didn't make a sound.

"Shhh, don't wake him," Lup whispered back to Barry. She was laying next to Taako, holding him close.

"Sorry, lovely. Who had the bad dream?"

"It wasn't nightmares this time." Lup's hand traced down Taako's cheek. "Barr, go get Kravitz. Actually, get Merle as well. I know he's with his kids this week, but we need him."

"What? Why? Is Taako sick?" Barry said anxiously.

"N-no," Lup faltered. "Oh, Barry...I don't know how to explain this exactly, but Koko's in a lot of pain. He isn't injured--well, not anymore. It's what happened to him in Wonderland when his legs..."

Taako finally stirred. "Lulu?" he breathed.

"Hey, I'm right here. Shh, right here. Don't try to move, okay? Me 'n Barry are here," she responded. "How are you feeling?"

"Uh…" Taako assessed the situation. "It's pretty bad. It hurts a lot. Not...quite as much as when I was trying to walk last night, but...bad."

"Okay, gotcha. Just lay still. You wanna open your eyes?" To Barry, she added, "Seriously, go get Krav and Merle. I've got Taako."

Barry rushed off.

"I don't want everyone to know," Taako whimpered. "Lup…"

"I know, but we have to. At least Krav and Merle, okay? You don't have to tell anyone else, at least not yet."

"Fine." Taako hurt too much to argue. "Lulu, I can't move, it just hurts so much."

"How can I help? Please, Taako, I want to help," Lup requested.

"Help me sit up a little? And turn on the light?" Taako held back a groan as Lup propped him up on a few more pillows. He reached down and rubbed at the top of his left leg, where the pain was the worst today.

"Would it help to talk about it, do you think? I know you haven't tried because you haven't told anyone, but it's just me. You can tell me anything, you know that." Lup touched the back of his neck.

"Talk about what? It's just pain, Lulu." Taako grimaced as a spark of agony danced through his right hip this time.

She sighed. "I don't know, just a thought."

"Taako, love?" Kravitz said as he stepped into the room. His countenance was tight with worry. "Barry didn't explain what was going on, just told me to come here while he fetched Merle. Are you alright?"

The concern in his voice was so sweet. Taako loved this man so much, _ damn it _. "Don't worry, gorgeous, I'm not dying," he said.

"Well, that's good." Kravitz came over to the side of the bed. "So what _ is _ wrong, then?"

"Oh, y'know. My body is out to get me."

Lup flicked his arm gently. "Are you going to _ actually _ explain what's happening, or do I need to tell your boyfriend how much pain you're in? And how you neglected to tell us about it for _ months _?"

Kravitz's eyes widened. "Taako? What is she talking about?"

"It's not a big deal, natch--"

"No," Lup said firmly. "I'm not gonna let you, Taako. It's time for you to be honest. You're not gonna be allowed to downplay this one."

Taako looked down at his hands. _ She's right, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. _ "Fine. Fine. Can it wait until Barry and Merle get here so I only have to do this once?" he pleaded.

After exchanging glances with Kravitz, Lup nodded. "Yeah, we can wait. Come sit down, Krav."

"And careful of anything below like...my ribs," Taako added, wincing as Kravitz's weight made the bed shift. "Cha'boy is a bit sore."

Kravitz took his hand. "Is this alright?"

"It's not below my ribs, is it? Dork." Taako squeezed his hand affectionately.

A slice in the air opened up, and Barry and Merle stepped into the room. "Hey, Taako," Merle greeted. "So, what's the problem?"

"Hi, Merle," Taako replied listlessly. "My legs don't work."

"Hm. Want to give me more than that?" the cleric suggested.

Taako groaned and hid his face in Lup's shoulder. "Not really, but Lup said I had to."

"Yes, you do. We want to help, but we can't if you don't tell us everything," she insisted.

"I know, I know." He took a deep breath and said miserably, "My legs don't work because they still hurt from getting fucked up in Wonderland. And I've tried to ignore it but it keeps getting worse."

"Is that why you asked me to make sure they were healed a few months ago?" Merle said, frowning. He climbed onto the bed and moved the blanket to the side so he could put his hand on Taako's knee. "I was pretty sure that nothing was wrong, Taako. Why didn't you tell me what it was about? You didn't say that you were in pain."

The slight pressure on his leg made Taako gasp sharply. "Because if nothing was _ wrong _, I was making a big fucking deal about nothing!" he snapped.

"Whatever this is, it isn't nothing," Lup said vehemently. "Not when I found you last night collapsed on the ground and crying."

There was a wave of warmth from Merle's hand into Taako's skin as he cast a healing spell. "Anything?" he asked.

It didn't feel any different. Taako shook his head.

"Then yeah, there's nothing there that needs healing, Taako."

"Then why does it hurt so much?" he demanded.

"Sometimes...well, sometimes even really good healing magic doesn't make all the effects of an injury go away," Merle explained. "It's why we still have scars. I think this is basically a scar, but on the inside of your body. Invisible. Does that make sense?"

"I get it," Kravitz said, stroking the back of Taako's hand. "The magic sped up the healing process, but that doesn't mean that there aren't the same long-lasting effects of such serious injuries as when they heal naturally."

"Magic isn't foolproof," Barry added in a quiet voice.

"So you can't fix me," Taako stated. His voice was flat and tired. "Cool. Fabulous. Perfect. I'm just gonna be stuck like this forever. Love that."

"No, I can't fix you, Taako. But that doesn't mean you're stuck like this forever," Merle said patiently. "We won't let you stay in pain like this, okay? We'll figure something out."

Taako shrugged and turned his face away, hiding the fact that his eyes were a bit damp yet again. "Whatever," he muttered. A particularly nasty spasm had traveled through his hip and down his leg and was staying there without any sign of letting up. The effort of holding on against the pain made him start to tremble.

Lup made a concerned noise as she felt him shiver. Running her hand down his back, she said, "Hey, hey, we've got you. Taako? Deep breaths, honey."

"_ I don't want to do this anymore, Lu _ ," Taako told her in Elvish. He didn't care that everyone in the room knew at least enough Elvish to understand that. It was easier to let himself be open and vulnerable in Elvish, even just talking to Lup. " _ And I'm so tired, I'm tired of hurting. _"

"_ I know, we'll do everything we can to help, _" she replied.

"_ Can we please be alone? _ " Taako asked desperately. He could feel himself starting to break down, and knew that it would be worse to be surrounded by his family who would all want to be trying to help, than to just have Lup there holding him. " _ Please? Just us? _"

Lup waved her hand at the other three, shooing them out of the room. "Me 'n Taako need some space. Out, out. I'll tell you when you can come back in." They left reluctantly. "What do you need, Koko? Talk to me."

He couldn't answer at first, so he just hugged her and buried his face in her soft pajama shirt. Shaking with sobs, he mumbled in Elvish, "_ That was too much, Lulu. This is why I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want everyone to freak out. _"

"Shhh, shhh." Lup wove her fingers into his hair, holding the back of his head. "I know. But Taako, they're not freaking out. You're the only one freaking out, zeeskeit. Everyone is being pretty calm about it, and we're just trying to help. I understand if you'd rather just me here, but they're just trying to help. Maybe if we can get calmed down, we can talk about where to go from here?"

Her calm, steady tone grounded him enough that he could stop crying. He nodded. "But there's nowhere to go," he reminded her.

"Sure there is, hey." Lup gave his shoulder a very gentle shake. "The kind of healing magic Merle does isn't the only magic out there that we can try. And there are probably non-magical options as well. I'm positive that you're not the only person who's ever had injuries like this, or pain that magic couldn't fix. Just 'cause we haven't run into it yet doesn't mean the solution isn't out there."

Taako sniffled. "You're not gonna let me wallow in despair, are you?"

"That's right. No despair allowed. We're gonna keep your spirits all the way up while we try to figure this out," she said, smiling at him encouragingly.

He didn't need to be clinging to her anymore. Also, sitting up was starting to make his hips scream in agony. "Can I lay down again?"

After helping him lay back down, Lup said, "Is it okay if I let them back in now? And Taako...it might be a good idea to let other people in on this. They could help."

Taako stiffened. "Like who?"

"Like...Magnus, maybe? He would be so sad if he knew you were having a hard time and you didn't want him to help. And Capnport? He's been around a lot of places in the past year, he may have seen something like this."

"...fine."

Lup hesitated. "And maybe--"

"Lulu, no."

"Listen, can we at least _ tell _ her?" Lup pleaded. "You don't have to see her or talk to her, but Taako, she's _ so smart _, she knows so much. And she would want to help, too."

"She lost the right to help me when she stole you from me," Taako snapped.

Lup's face crumpled. "Taako, that's not fair. To anyone."

"Neither was having _ every single good thing _ that _ ever _ happened to me taken away, Lup." They'd had this conversation countless times now. Both of them knew it was pointless, but Taako saw his sister's eyes fill with tears and he couldn't bear it. "But fine! Fine, _ you _ can talk to her. But only because I don't like seeing you sad like that."

She grabbed his hand. "Thank you." There was a pause. "Ren needs to know that something is up because I'm not letting you go to work for a little while."

"Fine."

"And Ango?"

"Hmph."

"He probably already knows. I swear the kid is psychic, not just a good detective," Lup said. "Some kind of latent divination magic in his blood or something."

Taako smiled. "He'd be _ so _ offended that you said that, implying that it's not just his big big brilliant brain."

"No denying the kiddo is smart, he's just like...scary smart sometimes." She started playing with the end of Taako's braid. "And how about--"

"Oh, gods, why don't you just project it out to everyone in the planar system like the rest of our damn lives?" Taako groaned. "Listen, Lulu, you can tell anyone you like. Just don't expect me to wanna talk to them about it."

"Fair, fair. Hey, have you tried either icing or heating the parts that hurt?" Lup said thoughtfully.

"...does Kravitz sitting on my lap count as icing them?"

"Gross, and no."

Taako laughed and shook his head. "Then no. Haven't tried that. Lu, I've just tried to ignore it and hope it goes away."

"I know. You're too stubborn." She placed her hand just above Taako's knee and rubbed his leg very softly. He would have slapped anyone else's hand away, but he trusted Lup not to hurt him. He flinched slightly as she brushed against a particularly painful spot. "Even that hurt? I'm trying to be so gentle," she said, dismayed.

"Not too much, mostly just a reflex. Right there is one of the places I was, um, bleeding from," he replied. Suddenly, unbidden, the memory rushed up in his mind's eye_ \--blood flowing from his legs, something definitely wrong inside his lower torso where some of his organs were. Breathing was hard and walking was agony, but he had to keep going, couldn't afford to stop or even complain. Fractured bones ground together with every step, swollen red skin pressing against his trousers, so much pain that he thought he might die then and there… _

"...no, no, no, _ breathe _, Taako! Come on, honey, come back to me. I'm right here. You're home, you're safe. You aren't there anymore. I'm here--it's me, it's Lup, and you're safe." Her hands were on his chest now, pulling him back to the present. "Look at me, Taako. Where are you now?"

He dragged a reluctant breath into his lungs. "Home," he answered.

"Be specific."

"'m home, in bed, in my bedroom."

Lup nodded. "Who's with you?"

"You...Lup. And Barry and Merle and Kravitz are outside the room." Taako fumbled for her hands. "More?"

"What month is it?" she asked, knowing full well that Taako wouldn't remember the exact date.

"September. And I think it's a Wednesday?"

"That's right. Tell me what you can hear right now."

"Someone's running water in the bathroom...there's birds outside in the garden. You're breathing next to me. My heart...my heart is beating too fast…" The blood was pounding in his ears. He could almost _ hear _ Lydia and Edward telling him about the stroke of bad luck that was going to befall him. "Lup!"

"Shhh, shhh, I'm here. I'm here. Look at me, Taako, you're safe. Take my hand, okay? Try squeezing it as you breathe in, and relaxing when you breathe out," she instructed. "I want slow, deep breaths. Count them out loud every time you exhale." She petted his hair as he did so. She was using every trick in the book to help him ground himself. This one was even working. 

Taako got to about twelve breaths before he had control of himself again, and he lay there trembling. "Shit," he sighed. "That hasn't happened in...a while."

"Yeah, that was a full-on flashback, huh? What do you need?" she asked. "Comfort or distraction?"

"Distraction. Please."

"Can I let them back in yet? We can figure out something to do. Like I said, we're gonna keep your spirits up." Lup glanced over at the door. "Hm. If we can get you to the kitchen and if you can sit up for a little while, we could make something and have a family lunch?"

"That sounds great, Lu."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Come on in, guys, I know you're listening!" she called.

The door opened. "Everything okay?" Barry asked.

"No, but yeah," said Taako.

Lup stood up. "I have assignments for everybody. Barry, babe, can you bring a chair into the kitchen? Merle, help him with that. Kravitz, go fetch Magnus and Ango. We're going to have lunch, and then we're going to start a search."

"A search?" echoed Barry.

"A search for anyone or anything that has information on managing pain that magic won't fix, of course." Lup stared at the three of them expectantly. "Well, go on!"

"Bossy," Barry said fondly. He went off to find a chair. Merle followed him.

"I'll be back," Kravitz said with a soft smile at Taako. He opened up a rift and stepped through.

"Have you got that chair ready, babe?" Lup called a few minutes later.

"Yep!" Barry replied.

Lup turned to Taako and held out her arms. "Want a ride?"

He rolled his eyes and let her pick him up. It definitely hurt, but the prospect of being able to make some food for his family and having them all there laughing and talking without even having to _ hide _ his pain was cheering him up immensely. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear as they approached the kitchen. "Try to make it normal, 'kay?"

"Will do, zeeskeit."

Sitting in the comfortable chair that Barry had brought into the kitchen, Taako managed successfully to ignore the pain while he and Lup cooked. He could hear the rest of their family talking in the living room. Magnus and Angus had only had time to say a brief hello before Barry pulled them away to explain what was going on. The twins were alone in the kitchen. Just like Taako had requested, it felt...normal.

Lup was chattering about the spices she was using in the sauce they were making, asking if Taako agreed that it needed a little more pepper, when her voice started trailing off at the end of her sentences. Taako knew what that meant. "Lup? Hey, Lulu, turn off the stove and come over here," he said gently.

She nodded sharply. With fumbling hands, she turned off the stove burner. "Sorry."

"'s okay. C'mere."

Lup walked over to the chair a little clumsily and dropped to her knees in front of him. She was breathing very deliberately and slowly. She had once told Taako that she did that because if she didn't, she would forget to breathe when she got like this.

"You gotta stay with me, Lulu. Stay right here with me." Taako took her face between his hands. "You're back in your body. You're right here. I'd stand up and hug you but I just can't right now. Do you want Barry?"

She nodded.

"Barry! Can we have a hand in here?" Taako called. He patted Lup's cheek. "Stay with me, Lu."

Barry didn't have to ask what was happening when he came into the kitchen. Lup had these episodes of disassociation every couple of days. When she described it, she told them that it felt like she was drifting partially out of her physical body. "Like I don't fit in there anymore. I bleed out of the edges like a kid who can't color inside the lines," she had told them once. It helped more than anything to have something wrapped around her, to hold her inside of herself. Barry was good at that.

"I've gotcha, babe," Barry murmured. He sat on the floor behind her and pulled her back against his chest. Taako held his breath, hoping that she would be centered by the contact. He and Barry exchanged relieved looks when Lup relaxed against him. The faraway expression on her face faded and she actually made eye contact with Taako again.

"There you are, sis," he said. He smiled reassuringly. 

"You back inside now?" Barry checked, kissing the back of her head.

"Yeah, I'm here." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "How long was I floating?"

"Only a couple of minutes, sweetheart. How are you doing now?" asked Barry.

"Better. Oh--I should turn the sauce back on…"

"Just take a minute first, okay, babe? Don't rush it." Barry looked up at Taako. "How are you doing?"

His worry for Lup had almost made Taako forget about the pain in his legs. "Thanks for reminding me," he said dryly. "It hurts a lot."

"Shit, sorry."

Lup reached for Taako's hand. "How about we try either heat or ice, Koko? It's worth a shot, hm?"

He groaned. "That sounds like no fun at all, Lulu."

"It might help!" she insisted. "Barry, help me up. I wanna finish making lunch. Taako, which do you want to try first?"

Taako watched as she turned the stove back on to continue making the pasta sauce. "Ice, I guess. There's no swelling, so I don't know what it'll do, but hey. Might numb it enough that it stops hurting for a minute or two."

"Can you help him with that, babe? We can just chill some towels and wrap them around your legs, Taako," Lup said pragmatically.

Getting some towels out of the drawer, Barry brought them over to Taako while casting Prestidigitation to freeze them. "Here, Taako. Um, where should I--"

"Just hand 'em here, Barr. No touchy." Taako took the towels. They were definitely cold. He gingerly wrapped one of them around the top of his left leg and held his breath. It didn't feel any better or worse, just cold. "So far, it hasn't sent me into unimaginable agony, so that's a plus." He started putting the other towels on the other worst spots, wincing at the pressure.

"Let me know if you need anything," Barry said.

"The food is almost ready," Lup interjected. "Babe, maybe go tell everyone to sit down? I'll bring it out, and then I can come back to get Taako."

Taako propped his chin up on his hand. The cold was starting to make his legs feel a bit numb. It wasn't _ comfortable _, but it did make the pain dull just a little. As he was left alone in the kitchen, he yawned and tried to shift slightly in the chair.

That was a mistake. The numbness was a deception, and the cold had made his muscles tighten in a way that when he tried to move them at all, blinding pain shot through his legs. His vision turned white for a second and he couldn't quite tell whether or not his scream was vocalized or only in his head. Either way, he ended up on the ground.

"Taako? Taako!" That was Kravitz, and it was his hands resting on Taako's shoulders. "Are you alright?"

"Does it _ look _ like I'm alright?!" Taako snapped, feeling guilty immediately for losing his temper. "Get the towels off, it made it worse." The cold towels were removed. Taako's eyes were squeezed shut against the pain.

"I-I'm sorry, Taako, I thought it would help," Lup said.

"Well, it didn't!" He grabbed at his knee and screamed again as it seized up. "Fuck!"

"What's going on? Is everything okay?" Magnus asked anxiously.

From the amount of footsteps he could hear approaching the kitchen, Taako realized that everyone was coming to see him. "Don't--don't! Lup, I-I don't want…" _ I don't want them to see me like this. _ Lup understood, of course, and everyone except for the two of them were gone in seconds.

Lup crouched down next to him. "Open your eyes?" she requested softly. "Can you please open your eyes, Taako? Look at me."

Blurry-eyed with tears, he looked at her. "It hurts."

"Oh, oh, I know," Lup said, her voice breaking. "Can I touch you, Taako?"

"Not...not right this second, I can't…" The intensity of the pain faded over about a minute. "Okay, now it's fine."

She rubbed his shoulder. "Taako, we've _ got _ to figure something out. We just...I hate seeing you in pain like this, zeeskeit."

"I know we have to do something, Lup. I just don't know what to do."

There was a very quiet, shy knock at the doorway to the kitchen, despite the fact that there was no actual door there. "Um--excuse me?" Angus said in a small voice. "Can I help?"

Lup sighed. "I don't think so, bubbelah."

"It's just, when my grandpa was alive, he had an old injury that would hurt like that, in his shoulder. I remember what he would do for it, and I thought maybe...I could help?" the boy said.

Taako was reluctant to let anyone else try to help after the disaster with the ice. But Angus sounded like he genuinely thought he knew what to do. The kid was competent, Taako had to admit that much. And honestly, he was desperate enough to accept pretty much any hope at the moment. "Whatcha got, boychick?" he asked.

Angus crept closer and explained how his grandpa had used heat on the old injury, as well as a few herbs to ease the pain. He provided a list of the herbs, which Lup sent Barry to go get. Taako agreed to try using hot compresses, and Lup and Angus assisted him.

Almost immediately, Taako felt a bit of relief. It didn't make the pain disappear, but the heat soothed the worst of the sharpness and stopped the spasms. Still laying on the kitchen floor, Taako reached for Lup's hand and nodded. "Not bad, Ango," he acknowledged.

"Did it help?" Angus sounded thrilled. "Oh, I'm so glad, sir!"

Taako laughed quietly. "I mean, I'm not miraculously _ cured _, bubbelah. But yeah. It helps." He closed his eyes for a moment, basking in even the slight reduction of pain.

"How are we feeling about maybe sitting up and going to eat lunch?" Lup suggested.

"Uh...maybe in a few minutes. I don't wanna risk moving yet." He felt Lup stroking his hair back behind his ears and away from his face. "Ango, tell everyone they don't have to wait for me. I'll be there real soon."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm probably going to be posting a few more pieces of this fic 'cause...venting. <3

Taako had been feeling much better recently. The combination of heating pads, herbs that helped manage the pain, and his family making sure that he was resting and not overexerting himself had brought him back to a point where he wasn't in constant pain anymore. He was almost giddy with the return of painless movement and enough energy to actually do the things he wanted to do. He flourished at the magic school and cooked almost every day for whoever was staying at the house.

Magnus was there that day, and had asked Taako to come on a walk with him and one of the new puppies that he was training. Honestly, Taako was more of a cat person. But it was a beautiful day and his legs were feeling alright, so he agreed.

A squirrel ran across the path. The puppy barked excitedly and ran after it. "Hey! Come back, Pup!" Magnus yelped. "Ah, I gotta chase her down or she'll be off for days. Be right back, Taako!" And he rushed off after her.

"Sure, whatever." Taako strolled comfortably down the path, knowing that Magnus would easily be able to catch up with him. As he walked, his foot landed unevenly on a stone in the pathway and he wobbled a little. This normally wouldn't be a problem. However, the angle that he had to lean on to regain his balance put just enough pressure on a specific part of his right hip which caused a flicker of pain that quickly spiralled out of control.

Taako tried to grab a tree branch to steady himself. He was sent crashing to the ground when it broke off in his hands. "No, no, no!" he wailed, more out of frustration than pain. But as the brief rush of adrenaline faded, the pain increased to an almost unbearable level. This was the worst it had been since the night he had told Lup about it. Every slight movement he made gave him a shock of agony that stopped his breathing momentarily. "Magnus!"

A couple minutes later, Magnus ran down the path. He was holding the puppy in one arm and had put a leash back on her, and he quickly set her down and tied the leash to a tree. "Taako?! What happened?"

"Legs gave out," Taako managed.

"Oh! How can I help?"

"I need to--" Taako tried to make his breathing more steady before he started crying. "Mags, I gotta get home, but I can't even stand up."

"We're not even a mile out from home, I can absolutely carry you," Magnus assured him. "Can I pick you up? Just let me tie Pup's leash to my belt so she'll follow us."

"Uh-huh." His composure was cracking. "Shit, shit...this wasn't supposed to happen again!"

"We'll figure it out! It's gonna be okay," promised Magnus. He reached out hesitantly. "How do I do this so it hurts the least?"

"It doesn't m-matter, just go slow. It's gonna hurt no matter wh-what."

"Here goes." Magnus lifted him up gently. Taako grabbed onto his arms, holding back a cry of pain. "Easy, I've gotcha. Hang on tight if you need to, but I promise not to drop you."

"I know, I'm s-squeezing because it h-hurts," Taako informed him. He took a breath and settled against Magnus's chest as comfortably as he could. "Just go ahead, Maggi. I m-might, um, pass out."

"You do what you gotta do. I'm just gonna get you home."

Taako held on for a few minutes before his vision went a bit dark and he slipped into a state of half-consciousness. The pain didn't disappear, but it was more distant. It was enough of a relief that he didn't wake up until he felt himself being laid down on his bed. "Mags…?" he mumbled.

"Hey! You're awake! Oh, good. I was getting super worried. I already let Pup out into the garden. Now, how do I make those hot compresses you use?"

"Hold on, jus' a sec. C'n you...first, maybe we call Lulu." Taako was fine with Magnus helping him, but it would be more efficient if Lup was there.

"Of course, Taako." Magnus made a concerned noise as Taako whimpered in pain and balled up his fists. "Taako? Wanna hold my hand while I call her?"

The offer was sweet and genuine. Taako nodded and grabbed the proffered hand tightly. He lay as still as he could while Magnus took out his stone of farspeech and called Lup.

"Yo, Maggi! What's up?" she said cheerfully.

"Hey, Lup. Hey, um, Taako's legs are bothering him, he wants to know if you can come home."

There was a pause before Lup said, "Oh, no. How bad is it?"

Taako spoke up. "P-pretty bad, Luls. I...I collapsed. Can't even stand up."

"I'll be home in fifteen minutes, if you'll be okay with Magnus until then?" Lup's voice was tight with worry.

"All good, sis, I'll be fine."

She must not have believed him, because a rift opened up in the room and there she was. "Taako, what happened?" she asked, rushing to his side.

"I fell," he said succinctly.

"Sit tight, okay? I'll get some towels and we'll get some heat on your legs. Where does it hurt this time?" Lup asked, trying to take his hand.

He pulled his hand away. "Started in my right hip. It's everywhere now." Taako was so frustrated. He didn't want to be coddled and comforted; he was too angry at himself for being so careless. It had been his own fault that he had fallen. He wouldn't go so far as to say he deserved the pain, but he certainly didn't deserve that much sympathy.

Lup looked at him searchingly. She could probably guess at all of those feelings with a single glance, and she didn't reach out to touch him again. "I'll be right back," she said. "Mags, let me show you what to do in case this happens again."

As the two of them left the room, Taako clenched his fist and pressed the back of his hand to his mouth. He fought back angry tears. _This is stupid, and it's not fair._ Turning his head to the side, he didn't make eye contact with either Lup or Magnus when they came back in and wrapped the hot towels around his legs.

"Taako, please explain what happened. Magnus says he didn't see you fall." Lup's tone left no room for argument.

The heat brought relief from the pain, enough that he could talk about it. Taako recounted, "I just stepped wrong and couldn't catch myself before it got worse, that's all. And hitting the ground never helps."

"No...no, I can imagine it wouldn't." She put her hand out. "Can I?" He shrugged, so she just touched his arm briefly.

Magnus spoke up. "Hey, guys? I'm gonna, um, go. I want to...try something. Yeah. Anyway. See you later!" He left the room. A moment later, the front door opened and closed.

Lup and Taako glanced at each other with bemusement. There was a pause, and then both of them laughed. "What d'you think he's up to?" Taako asked.

"Somethin' Magnus-y, that's for sure. He had that look in his eye. I bet we'll learn about it pretty soon," Lup replied. "Hey, Taako? What's going on inside that head of yours?"

_Oh, come on, why couldn't we have just kept laughing at Magnus?_ Taako's face fell. He flicked his ears back, warning Lup that he didn't want to have this talk right now.

She flopped down on the bed next to him. "I know, but we both know it doesn't help to keep it all locked up. We can just lay here until you're ready, though."

"Okay." Taako hesitated, then gave in and reached for her hand. She squeezed back. "You don't _have_ to stay, you know. I dragged you away from work, you should probably go back."

"Barry and Kravitz can manage without me for one afternoon. You're more important."

There was that irritation again. "I would be _fine_," he snapped, snatching his hand back. "I can survive on my own for a few hours. I did it for ten years!"

Lup sat up, the hurt she felt at that statement evident on her face. "I...I know, Taako."

_Oh, for fuck's sake, now I'm snapping at Lup._ Remorse and anger at himself coursed through him. Ignoring the pain in his legs, he rolled onto his side and hid his face in his arms so he didn't have to look at his sister. He heard a sigh.

"Taako," she said softly. "I…"

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're in pain, Taako. Pain makes anyone short-tempered. I don't blame you."

"I hate hurting you."

"I'm a big girl, Taako, I can handle a few harsh words," she told him. "You're okay. You're okay."

"I don't actually want you to leave."

Lup settled back down next to him, her hand resting on his back. "I know."

He took a shuddery breath. "I'm just so fucking frustrated about this. I thought I was better. And I'm pissed at myself for falling, I should have been able to catch myself."

She hummed thoughtfully. "Well, first of all, you _are_ better. A setback doesn't mean there wasn't any improvement, y'know? And we know some ways to help now."

"...true."

"Secondly, you know I love you to bits, Taako, but that's absolutely ridiculous. Nobody can catch themselves from falling every single time. This just happened to be the time you didn't catch yourself. So quit being mean to my brother, okay?"

Taako let out a quiet huff of laughter. "Your brother is a dumbass who tried to grab onto a tiny tree branch which broke off in his hand as he fell."

Lup shook his shoulder. "I mean it, I'm allowed to beat up anyone who's mean to my brother. Including my brother."

"Please don't beat me up. I'm already pretty fuckin' beat up and it sucks," he pointed out.

"Fine. I won't beat you up, but I will be very sad, and then you'll be sorry." She was joking, but she wasn't wrong.

"Oh, no, anything but that," Taako said dryly. Then he went quiet for a moment. "Lup?"

"Hm?"

"I...I don't know." He wasn't sure what he had been going to say. "Just...I don't know."

"Oh...kay?" She sounded a little confused, but she accepted it. "Let me know if you do wanna talk more. I might just sit here. Maybe take a nap. Mind if I snuggle up?"

"Go for it." Taako found himself relaxing slightly as Lup curled up against his back. He knew that she was doing it mostly for his benefit, of course, but he was grateful that she at least tried to pretend that it was for her. It made it easier to accept the comfort, and he knew he probably needed some of that right now.

"Three in the afternoon is optimal nap time," she informed him.

"Sleep well."

"Oh, I absolutely will, bubbelah. Y'know the one good thing about you being stuck in bed when your legs go out?"

Humoring her but rolling his eyes, Taako asked, "What?"

She giggled. "You can't push me off and get up when I fall asleep on you."

"You watch me," he said half-heartedly. "I could still disturb your nap if I wanted to, even if it is agony to move."

"Mmhmm, but you won't. Night-night."

"Night...wait." Taako paused. "It's _three in the godsdamn_\--"

Both of them were laughing too hard for Taako to finish his sentence. It wasn't even funny. They were just so relieved that the uncomfortableness from a few minutes ago had gone that both of the twins got a bit giddy. Lup's laughter faded and her breathing slowed until Taako checked to see if she was still awake. She wasn't. Her face was nestled into his back, her arm draped over his waist. Taako was honestly in too much pain to consider sleeping, even with the hot compresses. But it wasn't as bad as it had been, and Lup was there. He could ignore it easily with Lup there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm, what _was_ Magnus off to do last chapter? Time to find out! (Shoutout to the person in the comments who absolutely knew what was up, lol!) Also, enjoy some Taakitz! I've gotten so fond of writing them.
> 
> Same warnings that apply to the whole fic, chronic pain and some self-deprecation, also some insecurity about mobility aids

"I thought you didn't have to work this evening?" Taako said. Kravitz was heading for the door, but he wasn't in his work clothes. "Where ya goin'?"

Kravitz turned around, eyes wide. "Oh, um, Magnus wanted me to check something."

"Uh-huh," Taako said suspiciously. "What's he up to? He's been asking weird questions. Is he hiding something?"

"I-I don't know about that…"

Taako crossed his arms. "Spill."

"O-okay, listen, I  _ will _ if you ask me to, so please don't ask me to," Kravitz pleaded. "Magnus asked me not to tell you about it until he figured out all the bugs."

"Bugs?"

"He's really close to making sure it's fine, he just wants me to check something." Clearly able to tell that Taako wasn't satisfied with that explanation, Kravitz pressed on. "Please don't make me tell you everything, Magnus wanted it to be secret until he was finished."

"Is it some Candlenights present? That's not for another month and a half," Taako mused.

"No, it's not for Candlenights. Magnus said it was too important to wait for Candlenights." Kravitz put his hand over his mouth and added, slightly muffled, "Please stop asking questions! I'm very bad at keeping anything from you!"

Taako had to laugh. He took a few steps forward, his hand on the wall just to make sure he didn't fall. "Okay, okay. You guys can have your secrets." He reached for Kravitz, who took his hands. "Tell me one more thing, okay? Will I be cool with whatever it is he's doing for me?"

Looking relieved, Kravitz nodded. "Yeah. I think you will be. It's good."

"That's okay then." Taako tilted his head up and kissed him. As he stood on his toes, there was a twinge in his left hip. He grabbed Kravitz's arms, breaking away from the kiss with an anxious gasp.

"Taako? Are you alright, love?"

Slowly, Taako calmed down. It didn't seem like it would get worse this time. Since he had collapsed in the forest, every hint of pain in his legs caused instantaneous panic. He didn't want to go down like that again. Any twinge could spell the beginning of another relapse, which would mean days of agony and inability to leave his bed.

Kravitz was holding him close. "Taako? You're trembling, what's wrong?"

"I thought...it's nothing."

"It isn't nothing, clearly. Hey, hey, love. Talk to me, please."

"I just thought for a second that my legs were gonna go out, but it's fine. I'm fine." Taako shivered. "I'm fine."

"Do you want me to stay? I can tell Magnus I need to go another day, I can stay with you," Kravitz offered.

"I'll be fine, darlin'. Just walk with me to the couch, 'kay?" said Taako. He leaned onto Kravitz's arm as they walked. "Thanks."

"Of course, love. There you are." Kravitz helped him sit down and stroked his cheek fondly. Taako leaned into the touch. "Do you need anything before I leave?"

Taako batted his eyelashes. "Can you make me some tea? And grab me my book, I left it in the bedroom."

"On my way," said Kravitz, and kissed him before leaving.

Taako settled against the back of the couch. He took the tea and the book and assured Kravitz once again that he would be fine on his own.

"Alright, I'll be back in a few hours. Call if you need me," Kravitz told him.

"I will, I will," dismissed Taako. "Now shoo, go play with Magnus. I'm just gonna sit here and read, have some Taako time. Go on, get outta here."

Finally convinced, Kravitz kissed him again and left.

Taako didn't so much forget about the incident as decide to ignore it for the time being. Kravitz didn't say anything more about it, and neither did Magnus. It was two weeks before the topic came up again. Taako was grading papers at his desk, wishing his students had put a little more work into their understanding of the basic principles of transmutation, when there was a knock at the front door.

"I'll get it, love," Kravitz said, hurrying out of the room.

"Okay." Taako perked his ears up, listening for whoever was at the door.

The door opened. "Magnus, you have a key to the house," Kravitz said.

"I know, I just wanted to talk for a second before coming in. Is Taako here?"

"He's in the bedroom, grading some essays," replied Kravitz. "Why, what's--oh! You finished it!"

"I hope he likes it," Magnus said anxiously. His voice was a little hushed, and Taako had to strain to hear it. "I mean, I don't want him to think that…" Now he was too quiet to make out the next few words, much to Taako's chagrin. 

"He'll like it, don't worry," Kravitz assured him. "Come on back to the bedroom and give it to him."

Taako put the paper he was reading aside and turned his head to the door as Magnus and Kravitz came down the hallway. "What's up?" he said casually.

Magnus was holding something behind his back. He was biting his lip and fidgeting. "Taako, hey! I...I've been working on something for you, and, um...you don't have to use it if you don't want to, but…"

"Just hand it over,  _ mach shnel _ , I haven't got all day," Taako said, putting out his hands.

Nervously, Magnus brought the item out from behind his back. It was long and thin. On first glance, it was solid black. But as Taako looked closer, he could see that it was actually a dark brown with shimmery, iridescent blue and green overtones. There was a smooth handle and intricately patterned etching down the length. It was somewhere between a staff and a cane. Curious, Taako reached for it and wrapped his hand around it. It felt warm against his palm.

"It's very pretty, Mags, very high fashion. Um, what is it?" Taako asked.

"It's a lot of things, actually. It's mostly just to lean on? In case your legs aren't feeling great. But it's also a magic focus! And I got some help from an artificer, it has the spell Feather Fall imbued in it. If you do fall, you won't hit the ground very hard." Magnus was looking at him hopefully.

Taako turned it over in his hands, not sure how to respond. It was certainly a beautiful object. And he had been thinking he wanted a new focus--his current wand didn't really suit him well. He had gotten used to having a long focus with the umbrastaff, but couldn't stand the idea of having something similar again for obvious reasons. This was unlike the umbrastaff enough in shape, and had a different primary purpose. And...it  _ would _ be nice to have something reliable to lean on and take the weight off his legs sometimes. He turned his gaze towards Magnus, who was starting to look worried by how long it was taking for Taako to say anything. 

He stood up, carefully testing his weight on the cane. It was the right height, and his hand fit perfectly on the grip.  _ That's probably why Magnus was asking Lup how big her hands were _ , Taako thought, and almost laughed. He turned his attention back towards the cane. For the first time in quite a while, he wasn't scared that he was going to collapse any second.

"It's alright, I guess," he said, glancing up at Magnus with a small smile.

Magnus's face split into a grin. He knew exactly what Taako meant when he said things like that. "Hey, I'm glad it's acceptable," he said happily. "Let me know if you need any modifications to it!"

"I'm surprised you didn't carve the handle into a duck head," Taako giggled.

"I did consider it! But I figured you'd want something classier than that."

"It's perfect," Taako said without meaning to. _ Oh, shit. Oh, well, I guess the casual pretense is gone now. _

Magnus positively shone with pride. "You really like it?"

Taako just hugged him. "I love it." He stepped back after a second and pointed his finger at Magnus. "And that's the only genuine sweet you're gonna get from me for the next decade, so I hope you savored it while ya had it." He sat back down, slightly embarrassed. "Now get out of here, can't you see I have papers to grade?"

Laughing, Magnus waved and left the room. Taako carefully leaned the cane against the desk so he could grab onto it when he stood up again. He was about to actually turn back to his papers when he noticed Kravitz gazing at him fondly.

"Like what ya see?" he teased. "Whatcha starin' at, pumpkin?"

"Just appreciating you."

"Aww. That's gay."

Kravitz laughed. "I hope so." He stepped closer and cupped his hands around Taako's face to kiss him. "Are you going to finish all those papers tonight?"

"No, I'm hoping to do half of 'em. Why?"

"You've just been tired and busy recently, it would be nice if you could get to bed early for once," Kravitz hinted.

Taako sighed. He was right, of course, it  _ would _ be nice. "Yeah. Give me fifteen minutes and then make me go to bed no matter how much I argue."

"I can do that."

"Thanks, babe." He got to work on the essays. He got through three more papers before a gentle hand touched his shoulder. "Has it been fifteen minutes already?"

"Sorry, love, it has. Time for bed." Kravitz gave him a hand up out of the chair, letting Taako get his balance before starting towards the bed.

"Oh, will you put the thing from Mags next to the bed where I can reach it?" requested Taako after he had laid down.

Kravitz leaned the cane against the bedside table. "You really do like it, then? You weren't just pretending to save Magnus's feelings, I could tell."

"Have I ever pretended to be nice to save someone's feelings?" Taako retorted. "No. The cane is fuckin' rad. I can't wait to point it menacingly at people. Now come and cuddle me, I wanna go to sleep."

Putting up no protest, Kravitz turned off the lights and slid into bed. "Are you in any pain right now?" he asked. His forehead was touching Taako's, his hand gently resting on his side.

"Only a little, 'm okay. You don't have to be quite that delicate with me." Taako squirmed closer, encouraging Kravitz to put his arms around him. Once he was well-situated in the embrace, he added, "That's better."

Kravitz yawned quietly, nestling his face into the back of Taako's neck. "That it is. Alright, I've got you, love."

"You sure do." Sometimes, Taako found himself marvelling at the fact that he had someone as wonderful as Kravitz to hold him at night. Surely he had done nothing to deserve this kind of love and unconditional support?

But no. He had talked about this with Kravitz before, late at night in whispers when the topic seemed too frightening for daylight and full voices. Kravitz loved him. Kravitz wanted to be with him despite all of his bad days and nightmares and insecurities and his somewhat broken body. He could remember that no matter how much his brain was telling him otherwise, and he could ask for reassurance when he needed it.

"Hey, Krav?" he murmured.

"What is it, my love?"

"It's...okay, right? It isn't too much for you, that I'm sorta broken?"

Kravitz pressed a soft kiss behind his ear. "Never," he promised.

"Or that I need something to lean on when I walk around? That's not pathetic at all, right?"

"You said it yourself, Taako, the cane is fuckin' rad." Kravitz's tone was only slightly teasing as he said that. "And it's going to help you. It isn't pathetic at all, absolutely not. It just is what it is. Actually, I think it's really cool. I'd bet anything that you're not the only person out there with injuries like that, who worries that being seen walking with a cane will make them seem weak. And you're Taako from TV--nobody is going to worry after seeing you doing it."

A warmth spread through Taako's chest. "Okay, yeah," he said, quite proud. "You make a good point."

"Glad I could help. Feeling better?" asked Kravitz.

"Much. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Taako. Hey. I love you."

Taako smiled a little as he closed his eyes and snuggled up closer. "Love you, too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a WHILE huh? yeah so I've been working on my original novel w/o much time for fanfic unfortunately, but I love this fic so much and I desperately want to write more for it (also if you've been reading Where Luck Comes From, I promise that the last chapter is coming very soon and it won't disappoint, I'm just having a hard time figuring out the perfect ending). As for this chapter, enjoy some Barry & Taako bonding time!
> 
> And hey, please, if you have any requests or ideas about what else could happen in this story, who else you think Taako should talk to or anything, please let me know in a comment! I could definitely use some suggestion and inspiration. It'll be good for me to work on multiple stories so I don't get completely burned out just writing my novel, and this is one I don't want to abandon anytime soon. Please let me know what you want to see!
> 
> **A slight warning:** Near the end of this chapter, Barry and Taako talk about mortality, death, and the afterlife. Nothing extremely serious (I like to think it's almost hopeful), but tread lightly if you think you should. <3

Even bad days were getting easier to deal with. Taako could wake up in the morning and know even before he stood up if his legs were going to be giving him a hard time. Today had been one of those days. Kravitz was still asleep, and Taako laid there until he started waking up. As soon as he felt Kravitz stir, Taako murmured, "Hey, darlin', you're gonna have to help me get up today."

Kravitz made a sympathetic noise and sat up, yawning. "Bad pain day?"

"Could turn into one. Wanna carry me to the living room?"

"Sure." Kravitz leaned down and kissed him. "Remember, Lup and I are working the long shift today."

"Cool, I can get Barold to hang out with me and see how long it takes for him to start talking about the next creepy necromancy thing he wants to try," Taako said as Kravitz scooped him up and headed into the hallway.

"I keep trying to talk to him about that and he insists it's all purely theoretical," sighed Kravitz.

Taako laughed. "Yeah, right."

"I thought that the Raven Queen would be annoyed by him, but she says she finds it endearing." He placed Taako down gently onto the couch. "There you go, love."

"See, Barry's mostly harmless if you stay out of his way. Unless one of our lives is on the line, he keeps it to rule-bending and not breaking," Taako explained. "He just gets bored. And y'know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, but the necromancer brought it back." He burst into giggles. "I'm kidding. Barry's never done that. Not that I know of, anyway."

Kravitz rolled his eyes. "I won't ask him anything anymore. Better if I don't know what he's up to, honestly."

"Probably so," Taako agreed.

"Want some breakfast? I'm going to have something before I leave. Lup should be up in…" Kravitz looked at the clock. "Well, we agreed that we'd leave at 8:30, and it's almost 9:00, so maybe another half hour?"

"You're starting to learn Lup-time, well done," said Taako. "If she isn't up by 9:30, send me limping in there with my cane and I'll give her a poke. Speaking of, can you bring the cane out here before you leave?"

"Of course. Do you want something to eat?" Kravitz repeated.

Taako pondered and decided that he wasn't hungry yet. "Nah. Some coffee or tea, maybe."

While Kravitz was in the kitchen, Barry came into the living room and sat down in his chair, rubbing his eyes. "Mornin', Taako."

"Morning." Taako narrowed his eyes. Barry's shoulders were a little bit slumped and his eyes weren't as bright as they usually were. He hadn't gotten a full night's sleep. "Whose nightmare?"

Barry let out a sigh. "Mine," he answered. "Lup was up with me for a few hours, so she's sleeping in." He gestured towards Taako's position on the couch with his legs propped up on a pillow. "You're not feeling great either, I take it?"

"Just being careful. Got a feeling that if I tried to walk around much, I'd be falling all over the place. Hey, Krav," he called. "Grab another coffee for Barry, he looks like he needs one today."

"Thanks," Barry told Kravitz as he came into the room with two mugs of coffee. "Hey, Lup might take an extra little while this morning. We didn't sleep well."

"That's alright, we don't  _ technically  _ have to be anywhere until 10:00. I built in extra time." Kravitz sat next to Taako, letting him snuggle against his side.

"Smart," Barry said.

"Isn't he?" Taako said proudly.

Their conversation over the next half hour or so was punctuated periodically by Barry yawning loudly. He really didn't look like he was doing great. Taako figured he probably had about two hours before he crashed and fell back asleep.

A bit after 9:30, Lup came into the room looking only a little better than Barry did. She was still fairly chipper as she greeted Taako and Kravitz. She sat down in Barry's lap, hugged him, and kissed his forehead. "How ya doing?" she asked softly.

"'m okay. Did you get back to sleep after I left?"

"A little bit. Don't worry about it, babe. Take a nap today if you can." Lup kissed him again. "Okay, we gotta go." She hopped back to her feet and looked pointedly between Taako and Barry. "Call if you need us."

"Will do, sis. See you later." Taako waved as she and Kravitz stepped into the astral plane. Then he turned to Barry. "Okay, you need a lot more than coffee, m'dude."

Barry shrugged. "Yeah, probably."

"In fact, put the coffee down. Take that nap now."

"I…" Barry sighed. "I'd rather have the coffee, honestly."

"Hmm," said Taako. He squinted suspiciously. "Are you scared you're gonna have more nightmares and Lup's not here?"

"Maybe," Barry said, but Taako knew him well enough to know that 'maybe' was a solid 'yes'.

"Just conk out in the chair, that's gotta be better than going to lie down. And uh, I'm not going anywhere," Taako said, pointing at his legs. "It's not like you're all alone, Barr."

"I know, but…" Barry set the coffee down. "Okay. Yeah. You're right." He pulled down the blanket from the back of the couch and tucked it around himself. "Mind lowering the blinds halfway if you can reach them?"

Taako stretched his arm out and pulled the blinds down so only a little sunlight was streaming into the room. "There you go."

"Thanks, Taako." With another yawn, Barry closed his eyes. Taako picked up his book and started reading, the bit of light from the window falling perfectly onto the pages. After a few minutes, Barry's quiet snoring started. Taako just rolled his eyes fondly and kept reading.

When he heard a slight whimper about two hours later, Taako glanced up from his book. Barry's sleeping face had twisted into an unhappy, frightened expression. Taako didn't hesitate. "Barry, wake up," he said loudly.

Barry's eyes flew open and he sat up a little straighter, breathing hard. "Taako?"

"Easy, you're fine." Taako pretended to go back to reading his book, but watched Barry out of the corner of his eye. "You got a couple hours of sleep, at least."

"Yeah, that's...that's great," Barry said miserably.

"Would you have rathered I  _ didn't  _ wake you?" asked Taako.

"No. I'm glad you woke me. It, um, would have gotten bad if I stayed asleep. Thanks for noticing."

Taako waited a couple seconds before saying, "Is this a 'talk about it' sort of thing, or d'you wanna pass on that?"

"Um…" Barry still sounded shaken and unsteady from whatever had been happening in the dream. "I-I don't know."

"Uh-huh. Well, you can come over here if you figure it out," Taako said, removing the pillows from behind his back to make room so Barry knew he was in earnest.

Barry took him up on that. He sat down where the pillows had been, and Taako leaned back against him. "Hey, Taako?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"This isn't exactly about the dream, but I've been meaning to ask you something. I...I know…" He faltered. "No, nevermind. You probably don't want to talk about it."

"Uhh, nope, you can't just say something like that and not follow up with it. What did you want to ask me?" Taako said.

"I just...sometimes I think about… Wonderland," Barry said.

Taako tensed. "Don't we all."

"Yeah, exactly, and I can't help feeling like it's...because of me."

"Well. I mean, it is."

Barry didn't seem to know what to say about that.

Taako continued, "And the whole lab turning to crystal thing? Boyland's death? Merle's arm? Because of me. Phandolin burning? Because of Lup. And so on."

"Okay, but--"

"But also? It's nobody's  _ fault _ but those asshole liches that my legs are fucked up," Taako said. "And by asshole liches I mean Lydia and Edward, not you and Lup."

Barry managed to laugh.

"So if you've been worrying that I blame you, or something, you can stop. I didn't even consider being mad at you for it."

At that, some of the tension left Barry's shoulders and he relaxed. 

"Better?"

"Yeah. Yeah, better."

"Good. So what  _ was _ the nightmare about?" Taako asked.

"Honestly? It doesn't matter. Thanks for the talk. I really do feel better now," said Barry.

"Sure, anytime. Want pancakes? I'm going to make pancakes." Taako grabbed the handle of his cane and stood up, wincing at the ache in his upper right leg, where it was the worst today. "Pancakes and blackberry syrup," he added as he started limping towards the kitchen, hoping to distract himself with thoughts of food. "And potatoes of some kind. Lots of potatoes. Enough of everything so we can have leftovers for dinner, 'cause Lup's not gonna wanna cook when she gets home from work and standing up long enough to make one meal is all I'm getting today."

"Sounds like a great plan," Barry said, following him. "Let me know if you need an extra set of hands."

Taako put Barry to work chopping potatoes and then began making the pancake batter. "I'll make a whole bunch and put them covered in the oven to keep warm," he said. "Then I'll make the syrup. Should definitely keep us going for the rest of the day. Hey, cut those bits a little smaller--there, that's right."

Chopping correctly now, Barry said, "I remember when you'd make pancakes back on the ship. You'd make them for dinner if we were having a frustrating or exhausting day. So we'd be having breakfast at night and could keep working like we were just starting the day. Remember?"

Taako laughed. He had almost forgotten about that. It had mostly been during a few years in the sixth decade, after Lucretia had spent her year alone. At the time, he had figured they probably needed some comforting, homey foods. "Yeah. Think I should bring that back?"

"Maybe. Definitely a lot of exhaustion going around," sighed Barry. "I'm still not super awake."

"Huh, maybe I shouldn't have handed you a knife," Taako joked. He reached up towards the top shelf of the cupboard where they kept a few less frequently used spices. It was high enough that he had to stand on his tiptoes and reach up with both hands to move some things out of the way. Briefly, he thought about asking Barry to come help--reaching like this meant that he couldn't steady himself with one hand on the counter. But he didn't.

A sharp pain shot up his leg from his ankle to his knee, which buckled. He barely had time to grab the counter to slow his fall, and ended up on the ground anyway, with his cane five feet away.

"Shit!" Taako couldn't hold back the exclamation as he grabbed at his leg. "Ow, fuck!"

Barry had rushed to him immediately. "Taako?! Are you okay?"

"Um--no, not really. Ah!" He gritted his teeth. The pain had settled and intensified just above his left knee. "Shit, Barry, help me up."

Carefully, Barry supported his weight and helped him over to a chair. The pain wasn't going away. "How bad is it?"

"Not  _ great _ , my man, not great."

"Should I get Lup and Kravitz to come home?" Barry asked.

"Oh, fuck, no. I'm not dying or anything, it's just super inconvenient. Grab me those towels, I'm gonna put some heat on it." Taako wrapped the proffered towels around his knee, heated them, and propped his leg up on a second chair. He put the back of his index finger against his mouth, biting gently at the knuckle to distract himself from the throbbing in his knee as the hot compress did its work.

Watching him with concern, Barry sat down next to him. "Can I do anything?"

"Yep. You're gonna make pancakes. And potatoes. I'll tell you what to do." Taako was feeling better after Barry had finished cooking all of the pancakes and had put the potatoes in the oven to roast. He still didn't want to risk standing up and walking around, but the kitchen chair was getting uncomfortable. "You're not half bad at breakfast food. Good place to start." He flicked his hand, setting the oven to automatically turn off when the potatoes were done. "I think we have earned another nap. Grab a plate of those pancakes, though, I wanna munch on a few."

Barry obliged. Without needing to be asked, he came over and helped Taako up, bringing him his cane to hold in one hand and offering his arm for the other. Taako wasn't shy about leaning his weight on Barry. As they walked to the living room, Taako reflected that he hadn't actually spent much time with just Barry since they were all reunited. Back on the ship, he and Barry had actually been very close. He was the first crew member that Taako had befriended (besides Lup, obviously). For the first two decades or so, Magnus and Lucretia had stuck pretty close together, as had Merle and Davenport. And Barry had been a little too starstruck to really be friends with Lup for a while, so he and Taako had ended up bonding a lot over their common interests in experimental, scientific magic.

"Have you been avoiding me 'cause you were worried about the Wonderland thing?" Taako asked bluntly after they had each eaten their share of the pancakes.

Beside him on the couch, Barry flinched. "N-not consciously?  _ Have _ I been avoiding you?"

"Dunno," Taako said with a shrug.

"What made you think that?"

"Just feels like we haven't talked a lot recently, about anything other than Lulu." Taako yawned. "I just…"

Like he understood the underlying sentiment of  _ I just kinda miss you _ , and also understood why Taako could never say such an embarrassingly sentimental thing out loud, Barry just nodded. "We'll do better," he said. "I think we all should spend more time together. So we don't...lose it."

"Yeah." An uncomfortable feeling stole into Taako's stomach as he thought about Magnus and Lucretia, frozen in a single year for a hundred years, who were now aging in front of his eyes. Barry was human too, of course, but his lich-ness and reaper status meant that he  _ probably _ wasn't going to be dying of old age anytime soon...he thought. Taako hadn't ever asked. But it wasn't just the humans, it was Merle and Davenport, too. Neither of them were young anymore, even for dwarves or gnomes who lived a few times longer than humans.

"What are you thinking about?" asked Barry after several minutes of silence.

Taako pondered briefly whether to be serious or make a joke. He went with the former. "Just thinking about losing it. 'Cause we're gonna. No matter what we do, we're gonna lose...everyone."

It was Barry's turn to be silent. 

"Barry?"

"Yeah, no, I heard you. Gods, it really kinda sucks, huh? Is this what it always feels like for elves?"

"I mean, I wouldn't know, my dude. Back home I never had human friends, just Lup. Only ever Lup. We made up our minds that we were gonna die together when we were like, a thousand. Never thought we'd have anyone else, really." Taako sighed heavily and leaned back on the couch. His leg really hurt.

"You know what's nice, though? At least we  _ know _ . We've seen death, we've seen where people go after. Lots of the worlds we saw? They didn't have that or know it. They had to take it on faith or not think at all that there's something beyond death. Right? I...I've talked about this with Magnus a bit. He  _ knows _ he's gonna see Julia again. When our friends die, Taako, we will still see them, for a while. We'll all fade, of course. That's something I've been learning, as a reaper. Souls fade. They go somewhere to rest, but only when...when they're  _ ready _ . The world is cruel and violent, but sometimes it's also gentle. And patient. You know?"

"Yeah. I know." After a moment, Taako glanced at him. Barry was gazing out into space, clearly deep in thought. Taako didn't say anything more. He picked up a pillow, placed it against Barry's shoulder, and put his head down on it. He closed his eyes. Hopefully, some sleep would help the worst of the flare-up die back down.

"We can talk more later," Barry said, his voice sounding like it came from far away.

Taako tried to nod. He wasn't sure if he actually managed to, or if he was already asleep and had just dreamed that he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please let me know what you want to see from this story in the future! I do very much need some inspiration. Also, I hope everyone is staying safe out there. You're not alone. Come find me on tumblr @argonaut--keene (I'm slowly starting to come back there after a while away) if you want to talk! <3 ~Martin


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta-da! Another chapter, hooray! Taako goes to visit Merle and the kids in this one. Same warnings as the rest of the fic apply (chronic pain, injury talk, panic attacks, etc). Also, Mavis and Mookie are a goddamn delight. Enjoy!

The shifting sand underneath his feet made walking even more difficult than it normally was, and his cane wasn't much help as it sank deep into the sand with every step. Taako briefly regretted accepting Merle's offer to come stay with him while the "reaper squad" (as Lup, Barry, and Kravitz had come to be affectionately known) was away on a difficult mission that might take up to a week to complete. Maybe he should have gone to stay with Magnus instead...but that would have meant seeing Lucretia every day, and he wasn't sure he was up for that. So, to the beach it was.

He was nearly bowled over by a group of dwarven children running towards the sea, led by a tousle-haired boy Taako recognized as Mookie. Mavis rushed after them. "Don't go in too deep! Oh, hi, Taako!"

"Hey, Mavis. Where's your dad?" Taako asked.

She pointed towards the small house on the other side of the beach. "At home. I think he forgot it's Wednesday, or he would have come out to meet you. Hey!" she yelped, as there was a shout down by the water. "Mookie, put the crab down!" And then she was off, chasing after her brother. A terrified crab was hanging on for dear life by one pincer to the shouting boy's finger.

Taako laughed. He became serious again very quickly as he surveyed the expanse of sand before him.  _ Maybe I could cast Phantom Steed and get Garyl to carry me over? ...no, that's dumb. Plus, riding a horse probably hurts no less than walking. _ With a sigh, he trudged on.

Nothing gave out before he reached the house, though his left leg was aching just a bit more than Taako would have preferred. He didn't bother knocking and just walked right in. "Hellooooo!" he called.

"Taako? Taako, is that you?" There was a bit of a clamoring sound, like something heavy was being set down, and then Merle came into the front room. His soulwood arm wasn't currently attached. "I thought you weren't coming until Wednesday!"

"It is Wednesday, my dude."

"Huh. Well, shit. Alright, come in! I was just moving some stuff around so you had a place to sleep," Merle explained.

Taako raised his eyebrows. "Need a hand?" he said, rather pointedly.

Merle looked confused. Then he laughed and held up his arm. "Right, 'cause--yeah, I got it. Nah, I was almost done anyway. Mavis had left a few textbooks in the room you're gonna be staying in, I just have to finish moving them back into her room. Sit down, make yourself at home!"

_ Sitting down, fabulous idea. _ Taako sat down on a slightly obnoxious floral sofa and looked around. He hadn't been in this house since a few weeks after Merle had moved in. It had definitely been improved on. The whole living area was open, and a big sliding door next to the kitchen led out into a huge garden with some wicker chairs and tables. Taako recognized Magnus's handiwork in a lot of the furniture (though not the couch he was currently on). It was all bright and cheery, and full of plants. Some were planted in pots that sat on counters or just on the floor, and some were in containers hanging from the ceiling, draping down in leafy curtains. If Taako had been asked to describe the perfect home for Merle, this would be it.

"Okay, all done!" Merle said as he came back out into the room. He sat down in a chair across from Taako. His eyepatch today was just a plain, soft pink circle. "It's been like three weeks since I saw you! How've ya been?"

"Oh, y'know," Taako dismissed. "It's all just life, isn't it? I guess winter is a big time for death crimes, so the reaper squad has been busy a lot."

Merle gestured towards Taako's cane. "And how are your legs?"

"Still attached," Taako said reflexively. He and Merle winced at the same time. "Ouch, poor choice of words, huh? Uh, yeah, that's just...what I've been saying, 'cause people ask, a lot. Like, multiple times a day. That one's the quickest way to get 'em to back off."

"Right. No, that's a good one," said Merle.

"Just, wrong audience."

Merle chuckled. "Nah, it's fine. But seriously, have you been gettin' around okay?"

"I made it here, barely. Walking on sand is not my friend, I have discovered." Taako noticed just then that Merle was rubbing absently at the end of his right arm, where his soulwood hand was usually attached. "Hey, but what about you, though? Looks like something is bugging you."

Merle glanced down at his arm and shrugged. "No big deal."

"Does it hurt?" Taako asked. It would have been an intrusive question from pretty much anyone except for him. He was special, for a number of reasons.

"Um…" Merle hesitated. "It's not a  _ hurt _ , really."

"Is there a reason you're not wearing the hand?"

"It gets uncomfortable after a while," admitted Merle. "Even godly prosthetics do, apparently. I can't  _ feel _ with it, exactly, and having a numb appendage at the end of my arm, no matter how magical it is, can wear me down. Starts hurting in places it shouldn't be. So sometimes I have to take it off."

"Huh," said Taako.

"But I'm getting pretty darn good at doin' stuff with my left hand," Merle added.

"Was that supposed to sound gross? 'cause it kinda did."

Merle laughed and shook his head. "No! Just, y'know, gardening, and--"

"For you, that's the gross stuff," Taako pointed out.

"And picking up heavy things like Mavie's books," Merle said, ignoring Taako's comment. "It's not slowing me down too much."

"Good, that's good," Taako replied, and he meant it.

Thoughtfully, Merle once again rubbed at the end of his arm. "It does hurt sometimes, though," he amended. "When it gets cold, usually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean, I got my damn arm chopped off. Bones, nerves, tendons, all sorts of stuff in there got real messed up," he said.

"You didn't mention that when…" Taako gestured down at himself. "All this was coming up."

Merle shrugged. "Guess I wasn't really thinking about it. I try to be, y'know, positive. I only think about it when it's giving me problems."

"Yeah, I get it," Taako said, wishing he actually did get it. He couldn't forget about his legs for even a minute. If he did, he would undoubtedly do something stupid and cause a flare-up.

The conversation veered away from their various injuries and towards other stuff. Merle gleefully told Taako about the antics his kids had gotten up to that week. Taako pretended to be bored, but he and Merle both knew that he would have listened to Merle talk like this all day. In return, Taako recounted a few new recipes he was working on, as well as some ideas he and Ren had been discussing for the school.

Late that afternoon, just before the sun started to set, Mookie came running into the house. "Hey, Pop! There's a whole  _ buncha _ crabs out there t'day, an' I caught like twen'y--no, like a  _ hunnred _ , and they all darn went an' pinched up my fingers!" he cried, holding up his hands as proof. There were red marks all over his fingertips, and a few places where the crabs must have gotten a really good hold were bleeding slightly.

Mavis trailed in after him, looking exasperated. "I tried to get him to leave the poor crabs alone, but every time I turned away, he found another one," she said.

"Ah, thanks for trying, sweetheart. Hey, fireball, c'mere." Merle stood up and examined the marks on his son's hands. "Well, those sure are some battle wounds, aren't they?"

Mookie nodded eagerly. "Yeah! Do I getta go on big 'ventures like you now, Pop?"

"Not quite, but you're getting close!" He must have cast some healing spell, because Mookie's small cuts all closed and his skin was no longer as red.

The boy looked disappointed. "Aw, they were gonna be some scars I could show off with!"

"Don't worry, kiddo, you'll have plenty of opportunities for that, I'm sure. Now go get cleaned up. You're all covered in sand, and I don't want sand in the food. Go on!" Merle shooed him off. "Mavie, I put your books back into your room, can you go make sure I put them in the right place?"

She nodded and left the room.

"She keeps her bookshelves alphabetized," Merle said. "She must get that from her first dad, 'cause neither me or Hecuba gave her that one."

Taako laughed. "You sure didn't. She and Ango are still pen pals, right?"

"Yeah, they're pretty good friends. Mavis wants him to come visit more, but Lucas has the kid so busy at that school of his. But Angus enchanted some Notebooks of Farspeech just for the two of them so they can chat whenever. They've started a book club, can you believe that?" Merle said proudly.

"I can believe it," Taako replied.

Late that night, Taako was lying awake in the bedroom he was staying in. It was peaceful and dark and the air smelled faintly of some sort of flower. Through the open window, Taako could just hear the sound of waves crashing into the beach. Why couldn't he sleep?

_ Oh, that's why. _ He sat up, reaching for the handle of his cane, and stumbled over to the window to close it and pull the curtains across it. He was too anxious to sleep with open windows these days. Anything could come through. On his way back to bed, he had to catch himself with his cane as a sharp stabbing sensation jammed down his right thigh. His leg gave out. A soft  _ puff _ sound, and the cane's automatic Feather Fall cushioned his landing so he didn't hit the ground with any force.  _ I guess this is something I'm gonna have to deal with tomorrow, _ Taako thought as he pulled himself back up and collapsed into the bed.  _ Too tired to try now. _ Despite the growing ache, he managed to fall asleep.

He awoke to blinding pain. His entire right leg felt like it was being crushed, and all of the muscles were cramping up. He bit back a groan.  _ Fuck, not now. _ It must have been morning already, because he could hear Merle's kids talking and laughing out in the kitchen area.

"Hey, Mavie!" Merle called from somewhere. "Go knock on Taako's door and just let him know that we have some breakfast whenever he wants it."

"Okay, Dad!" A few moments later, there was a knock on Taako's door. "Good morning, Taako! Dad says to tell you that there's breakfast ready!"

Taako took a breath and said, "Mavis, bubbelah, can you ask your Dad to come in here, please?"

There was a pause, and then Mavis rushed off. "Dad! Dad, I think Taako needs help!" he could hear her saying. "He sounded sick or something."

Merle said something that Taako couldn't make out, and then there was another knock at the door. "Taako? Can I come in?"

"Go for it." Taako became aware that he was curled up tightly, unable to move much without causing himself more pain. He was trembling at the prospect of being stuck away from Lup during such a bad episode..  _ This is bad. Bad bad. Really not good and definitely bad. _

The door creaked open, bringing a flood of daylight into the room. "What's going on, Taako?" Merle asked.

"Legs," Taako said tightly. "Bad. Shit, Merle."

"Yeah, I figured. Do you need Lup?"

Taako felt tears well up in his eyes. "No, I'll be...don't call her. Merle, I can't get up, I…"

"Okay, okay," Merle said calmly. "Don't worry, it'll be fine. Hey, I'll be right back."

"'kay." There was a tightness in Taako's chests. He could barely breathe as he tried to choke back tears.  _ Why does this have to be happening now? I've been trying so hard not to let it get this bad. What did I do? _

"A'ight, I'm back. The hot towels still help, right?"

Taako couldn't make himself talk. He knew his voice would shake if he did. He just nodded. Merle didn't say anything else as he placed the towels on Taako's legs. Then he hopped up to sit next to him on the bed.

"How ya doing?" asked Merle.

"Bad," Taako croaked.

"Ah, bud. Is it just the hurting, or is it...uh, brain stuff?"

"Both." It was the fear that always came with one of these flare-ups, the fear that the pain was here to stay this time, that it wouldn't die back and fade and leave him alone for a while--sheer terror as he wondered if the stroke of bad luck he agreed to when the skull had appeared on the wheel would plague him for the rest of his life. If he had chosen to take a penalty, what might the other two sacrifices have been? Would they have been easier? Surely anything would have been easier than this.

As if he could sense Taako spiraling, Merle put his hand on his shoulder. "You're gonna be alright," he said quietly. "The heat should make it better soon."

It already was a little bit better. The pain was no longer so overwhelming that he couldn't breathe, though his chest still ached with panic. He was trembling, and he knew Merle could tell.

"Taako? Deep breath for me, okay?"

Taako tried, and let out a sob.

"Easy, Taako, breathe easy."

Once he started, he couldn't stop. More sobs shook his body, his tears soaking into the pillow. He hoped that Merle's kids couldn't hear him breaking down, but he knew that hope was probably in vain. And he hated that this one moment, that one decision almost two years ago, had this much power over him. It felt like a failure on his part that he had let Lydia and Edward get to him like this. It felt like he was letting them win.

And then he realized that he was saying all of that aloud as he cried, in a mixture of nearly incomprehensible Elvish and Common. Merle's grip on his shoulder tightened.

"No, Taako. Listen to me, okay? Just listen to me," Merle urged seriously. "Taako, we're alive. And they're dead. Lup made sure of that, remember? They did not  _ win _ . We won. Hear me?  _ We _ won. Damn it, you're not failing at anything. They lost, Taako. And we won."

Another sob shook him. "But th-they wanted t-to make us s-suffer, and I s-still am, so they got what they w-wanted," he argued pointlessly.

"They aren't getting anything. 'Cause they're  _ dead _ ."

"But you c-can't say they can't hurt us anymore. They're s-still hurting us."

Merle sighed and put a little more pressure onto Taako's shoulder. "Yeah, I know. But we still won. Even winning sucks sometimes."

"It  _ sucks _ ," Taako agreed, and a fresh bout of sobs overcame him.

"Taako, bud, can I help? I can help if you let me. It's so hard, I know. But I can help," Merle said, his voice soothing.

Sometimes it was easy to forget how good of a cleric Merle was. Taako reached blindly to touch the hand on his shoulder and nodded. Almost instantly, a wash of calm let Taako sort through the thoughts in his head. He could set aside the fear and the self-hatred, organizing things back where they should be so he could stop spiraling. It wasn't the first time that Merle had cast Calm Emotions on him, or any of the Starblaster crew, but Taako had never appreciated it more than he did right now.

The spell faded after a minute, but it gave Taako enough time to establish the sense of calm for himself. His breathing slowed. He could stop crying. The deep ache and sharp twinges in his legs no longer made panic rise up in his throat.

"There, that seems a little less shitty," Merle encouraged. "Better?"

"Holy shit, yeah." Taako exhaled slowly. "Much better. Thanks."

"Hey, I barely did anything, just gave you the minute you needed to get yourself calm." Merle patted his back. "Just relax and breathe."

Taako ignored the suggestion and started trying to sit up. Involuntary whimpers escaped him as every movement sent shocks of pain through his lower body. He collapsed back down, shuddering.

"What did I just say? Lie still. You don't need to be getting up yet."

The shudders were taking over. Soon, he was shivering uncontrollably. The combination of pain and the sudden disappearance of intense emotion left his body drained. He couldn't have found the energy to move anymore even if he had wanted to.

"Whoa, okay. Are you cold? You're shaking, Taako," Merle observed.

"I n-n-noticed." Taako's teeth were chattering. "No, 'm n-not c-c-cold." He felt a little sick.

Merle was pressing his hand gently onto Taako's upper back. "Got it. Keep taking slow breaths, Taako. Slow breaths."

He was lightheaded. He tried to do as Merle said, but a wave of weakness hit him and he felt his consciousness grow dark.

Someone was doing something with his hair when he came to. Instead of being curled up on his side, he was lying flat on his back. That took most of the pressure off his hips, which was nice. His hair was tucked up over his shoulder, and he could feel the uneven tugging of someone braiding it clumsily. It had been loose when he went to bed last night. "Merle?"

"Hey, Taako, how ya feeling?"

"Less...bad." He didn't open his eyes. "Are you braiding my hair with one hand?"

Merle laughed softly. "I was trying to, anyway. Might just give up. I'm no Lup."

"Yeah. Still, doesn't feel bad." That was about as much as he could give right then. It would have been way too much to tell Merle how much he appreciated everything he was doing to help. "Are you neglecting your kids 'cause of me right now?"

"Nah, they're having breakfast. Want some?" Merle asked.

"I think I would actually be sick if I tried to eat right now, so I'll pass." Taako opened his eyes cautiously, hoping the room wouldn't be spinning. To his relief, it wasn't. The lightheadedness had stopped. "Was I out long?"

"Maybe three minutes. You weren't totally unresponsive, so I wasn't worried. But hey, are you  _ sure _ you don't want me to call Lup? She'd drop everything to come be with you, you know she would," said Merle.

"Yeah, I know. That's why I'm not gonna call her. She has her own stuff she needs to do, important stuff. I'll survive--" For some reason, Taako's voice broke. "I'll survive without her for a couple weeks."

Merle looked at him, clearly not saying everything he was thinking. "Okay, well, just think about calling her just to talk. Do you want to try coming out to sit in the living room for the day?"

"I think 'sitting' is beyond my capacity right now," Taako said dryly. "Nah, Taako's good right here. You go about your business. But pass me my books and my stone from my bag, I'm gonna call Ren and see what we can figure out."

Once Merle had brought him what he had asked for and had been assured several times that really, he would be fine by himself for a while and Merle should probably be watching his kids, Taako was once again alone in the room. The door was mostly closed, so only a little bit of light shone through. Of course, Taako could see perfectly fine in the dark, but bright light was less...miserable. He cast Mage Hand and flicked open the curtains. In hindsight, he probably should have done that last night instead of getting up to go close the window. Oh, well, nothing he could do to change that now.

Talking to Ren occupied him for most of the day. After a four week break which had started three days ago, a completely new semester would be starting. That meant new classes offered, new enrollment of students, new teachers to hire: in short, a lot of work. Merle brought him coffee and a sandwich at around noon, which he finally felt well enough to eat a couple hours later. Taako was just outlining to Ren his plan to create several dozen scholarships for young kids in tough circumstances (out on the road, like he and Lup had been) when Mavis poked her head into the room.

"Hey, Taako? Dad says that dinner is gonna be ready in about half an hour. Do you wanna come out? He says he can bring it in here if you'd rather," she said.

Though he knew he probably shouldn't try to walk again so soon, Taako replied, "I'll be out, darlin'. Thanks for letting me know."

Mavis gave him a smile and a thumbs up before leaving.

"Gods, she sounds sweet," Ren said. "Hey, ya think we could get her at the school next year?"

"She seems happy at the little school in this town. I don't know that she has any interest in magic, but I'll see what I can do," Taako promised. "So, about those scholarships…"

Twenty minutes after Mavis had come in, Taako said goodbye to Ren and began preparing himself for the agonizing process of standing up. He was determined not to let Merle's kids worry about him. He had enough of that from Angus. It took him several minutes, but he managed to sit upright with his feet on the floor. He grasped the handle of his cane so tightly that his palm hurt as he pushed himself up. Taako took a deep breath and didn't fall. He put on a nicer shirt than his pajamas, spelled his glamour onto his face, and limped out to the kitchen.

"Hi! Are you feeling better?" Mavis asked brightly. She was carrying a large bowl of spaghetti to the table.

"Yeah, bubbelah, one hundo' percent. Taako's doing peachy," Taako answered. He ignored Merle's skeptical glance and sat down at the table. Only then did his iron grip on his cane relax.

Dinner was pretty good. Merle's cooking had improved a lot since the Starblaster days, and Mavis and Mookie were actually good company. Up until a few years ago, he would have sworn that he hated being around kids, but first with Angus, then with these two, and now all of the kids he was teaching, he was being proven very wrong. So Taako was almost disappointed when, after they had eaten and cleaned up, Merle said, "Alright, kids, why don't you go outside? It's almost a full moon, and the dolphins are always out on bright nights." Excited, the kids rushed outside. Merle turned to Taako. "You can fool my kids, but you can't fool me. Cut the horseshit. How much pain are you still in?"

Taako sighed. "Well, I walked out here, didn't I? So, less than earlier."

"That's not saying much."

"Yeah, but it's not nothing," Taako defended.

"You're risking being in worse pain tomorrow just by sitting up right now," argued Merle. "Taako, these bodies aren't expendable anymore. They don't start over at the end of the year. We don't get extra chances now!"

Taako couldn't have been more stunned if Merle had slapped him. He just stared.

"Damn it, Taako." Merle pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eye briefly. "You get that, right? You gotta take care of yourself."

"I-I know this is  _ permanent _ , Merle," Taako uttered. "Believe me, I fucking know. I don't ever stop thinking about it, about how it's still going to hurt in twenty, fifty, two hundred years! I can't--I fucking--" He held up his hands helplessly. "Like, I  _ know _ ! And maybe you're onto something and I don't always make the smartest choices and I make it worse for myself! But literally everything-- _ everything _ \--I do, I'm factoring this into. Every time I decide not to walk to the store or not go visit Mags or sit instead of stand in the classroom, it's because I'm thinking about how much worse it might hurt tomorrow. So if I decided to make it a little worse so I could come have dinner with you and your family--if I decided that was  _ important _ enough to me to be worth hurting for--maybe think about saving your lectures for your kids, okay?"

Merle looked thoroughly chastised. "I'm sorry," he stated. "I shouldn't have...yeah. I'm sorry."

"Thanks." Taako rubbed at his temples. "I mean, I'm not mad. I just don't want you thinking I'm doing stuff thoughtlessly, or...whatever. Like, I'm pretty smart, I know what I'm doing most of the time."

"You're right. It was me being stupid this time," said Merle.

"Well, I mean, what's new?" Taako laughed.

"Ha, ha."

"But y'know, if you offer, I would not say no to some extra help getting back to bed," he added.

Merle nodded and stood up swiftly. "C'mon, put your hand on my shoulder."

One hand on Merle, one on his cane, Taako managed to get back to his bed with a lurching, unsteady gait. He collapsed with a groan, wrapped the towels around his legs, heated them up, and said, "Thanks. Ow."

"It's getting a little late for them to be out there by themselves," Merle said. He looked out the window, where Mavis and Mookie could be seen standing at the shoreline, watching dolphins outlined in glowing plankton and moonlight playing in the waves. "I think I'll go try to get Mookie to go to bed. It might take a while. Hey, uh...mind if I come back after?" He was hesitant enough that it was clear he still thought Taako might be angry at him for lecturing.

"Yeah, sure. And Merle? We’re cool,” Taako stated.

“I’m  _ always _ cool,” Merle said with a relieved grin.

“Shut up, old man.”

Merle either blinked or winked (it was hard to tell which), and left the room. Taako watched through the window as he and Mavis tried to herd Mookie back inside. At one point, Mookie dramatically fell down into the sand and was clearly protesting very loudly. Merle scooped him up with his one arm and tossed the boy over his shoulder, carrying him inside with ease despite a lot of squirming. Mavis was laughing so hard that she almost fell over, too. Taako couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Merle came back into the room a while later, once Mookie had finally gone to bed and Mavis had settled down with a book. He and Taako talked for hours until both of them fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, sprawled out on the bed, neither of them sure where the conversation had ended and the dreams had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to work on cleaning up a post-series Lucretia multichapter I've been working on for a while! I'm hoping to post the first two chapter of it tonight and then post fairly frequently for a while. It might reference some of the stuff in this fic, and vice versa as I keep adding more chapters here. Again, if there's anything in particular you want to see from this story, please let me know! I'm @argonaut--keene on tumblr! Take care of yourselves, and DFTBA! <3 ~Martin


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, despite having not left the house in a month or having to do literally any of the things that usually makes my pain worse, I'm having a flare-up and have barely been able to walk and haven't slept well for two days! So, y'know, I projected it onto Taako and the result is this chapter. Enjoy!

For the first few moments after Taako woke up, everything was fine. He was laying on his side, alone in bed since Kravitz had left a few hours ago to get to work after briefly waking Taako up for long enough to kiss him goodbye. Nothing was abnormal.

Then he tried to sit up.

He didn't get further than tensing his muscles before a soft scream tore out of his throat. Spikes of pain shot through his lower body, instantaneously and relentlessly. He froze in place, hardly daring to breathe. He bit the edge of his pillow.

Eventually, the pain faded back. Taako knew what to expect now, and he moved more cautiously. It still took him several tries to sit up. His breathing was shallow and rapid.

He didn't understand. It was summer break, so he hadn't needed to go to the school to teach, and that meant that he had done basically no walking except inside the house for  _ weeks _ . His pain levels had been averaging the lowest they had been in almost a year. He hadn't done anything yesterday but sat on the couch besides a couple of hours standing in the kitchen to cook.

Why the  _ fuck _ was this happening?

As if he didn't quite believe himself about how bad the pain was, Taako tried to stand. He nearly threw up. Collapsing back onto the bed in dizzying pain, his hands grasped at the mattress as he tried to find something solid to hold onto. When he had dragged his legs back onto the bed, he found himself curling up with his knees pulled towards his chest. That didn't help with the agony, but it made him feel a little less like bursting into tears.

Still, his eyes were watering. He was glad that nobody was in the room to hear him whimpering. He grabbed Kravitz's pillow and held it tightly against his chest. Every time he trembled or breathed too deeply, the pain got worse. He thought he might pass out because of it.

Somewhere in his slightly delirious mind, the thought occurred to him that he should probably tell someone what was happening. He reached out to fumble on his bedside table for his stone of farspeech. He couldn't remember whether Lup had been going to work this morning or not. Either way, she would want him to call her.

"Lup?" he mumbled into the stone once he had pulled it close enough.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she answered quickly.

"Are you home?"

"Yeah, Ko, I'm downstairs with Lucretia. What's up?"

Taako tried to steady his breathing. He and Lucretia were...on better terms than they had been a year ago. Still, he hadn't really been letting her see him like this, avoiding her when it got this bad. There was enough anger still on his side and guilt on hers that letting her see him in pain would be awkward, to say the least. "Can you come upstairs?" he said, putting a little emphasis on the ' _ you' _ so it was clear he meant just Lup.

"Already on my way up." A few moments later, the bedroom door opened. "Taako?"

"Hi," Taako said in a small voice. "Please don't sit on the bed, I think I'd cry if I was moved at all right now."

"Shit. Have you done heat already?"

"No. But I think it's bad enough that it won't help much."

Lup stepped closer. "Can I touch you, or does it hurt too much for even that?"

"Should be fine. Careful."

Her hands came to rest gently on his arm. "Can I try putting heat on it anyway?"

"Sure."

One of her hands moved down to touch his knee. He tried not to gasp in pain. A warmth grew in the area of her hand, heating up his pajamas and his skin underneath. It didn't make anything worse, but even after a couple of minutes, it didn't make the pain in that area any better.

"I don't think it's helping this time," Taako said.

Lup took her hand away. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Just stay with me."

"Taako, Lucretia has been working on something," Lup said hesitantly.

He tensed. It hurt. "Oh?"

"She...she knows about this, obviously. Has for a while."

"I know," Taako said. He hated thinking about it.

"Anyway," Lup continued, "she read up on a ton of old healing spells to see if she could find something specifically for the treatment of pain, not necessarily connected to a wound. And there was something in a book that talks about a spell that's used by paladins mostly, and it's supposed to be focused on just pain. Lucretia thinks she knows how to cast it. It's an abjuration spell, so it wasn't too hard for her to learn and modify. She was wondering if you'd be willing to let her try."

As another swell of pain hit him and he bit back a sob, Taako would have been willing to try almost anything. "Okay," he whispered.

Lup touched his back. "I'm gonna go get her then, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." Taako hid his face in his pillow as his sister left the room. Again, he thought he might pass out.

Soon, Lup was back. Taako squinted through bleary eyes at the second figure in the room. Lucretia looked nervous.

"Taako, I have every reason to think that this spell will help," she said.

"Probably can't make it any fuckin' worse," Taako said, his voice taut with pain.

"Yeah. I have to touch you, is that alright?" Lucretia made sure.

"Uh-huh." Taako braced himself, but her touch was extremely gentle on his leg. It didn't hurt.

She whispered something inaudible as she cast the spell. The effect was instantaneous. It didn't make the pain disappear, but it cut off the sharpest parts and brought the rest down to a level he could bear. His breathing evened out.

"Did that help?" Lucretia asked.

"Um. Yeah. Yeah, it…" Taako was once again fighting to keep himself from crying, this time from relief. "Lucretia? Can you cast it again?"

"I'm not sure if the effects are cumulative, but I can try." She touched his leg and cast it again, but nothing more happened.

"Guess it's just a one at a time thing." Taako took a breath and propped himself up on his elbows. The movement didn't make him want to throw up, so he considered it an improvement. He wasn’t anywhere near being able to stand up, though. “Thank you,” he told Lucretia.

“Anytime,” she replied, and he knew she meant it. She glanced at Lup and then left the room.

“Can I come sit next to you now?” Lup asked softly.

“Yeah.” He bit his lip to keep himself from yelping as she sat down on the bed, swung her legs up, and tugged his shoulders so he was laying half in her lap.

“I’ll just chill in here with you today, then,” she said. She started undoing the braid in his hair and reached for the brush on the bedside table. “How much did Lucy’s spell help?”

“It still hurts,” he clarified. “It’s just...um, not so intense I’m almost screaming. Bearable.”

“Better than nothing.” Lup continued brushing his hair. He tilted his head so she had an easier vantage point.

Taako closed his eyes, grateful that she knew not to ask him what he did to cause a flare-up like this. Lup understood that there wasn’t always a reason. Sometimes it just  _ happened _ ...even if Taako’s entire being was scrambling to find some reason why his pain was his own fault. She also understood that, of course, and knew it wouldn’t help to try and convince him otherwise. She didn’t try to insist that there must be a way to fix it, which sometimes, when people tried to reassure Taako that way, felt like they were trying to erase the pain he was in right now. No, Lup was better than that. She knew him better than that, and she knew  _ pain _ better than that.

“It really hurts,” he whispered, needing to give voice to the feeling.

Lup stroked his hair, following it down to the middle of his back. “I know, bubbelah.”

Taako’s heart sank. “Oh--oh, no…”

“What is it?”

“Today’s Saturday. I told Magnus I’d come over and help him fancy up some furniture by transmuting the wooden inlays into pretty stone,” Taako said, dismayed. “I can’t go to Raven’s Roost today, I just can’t.”

“It’s okay, he’ll understand,” Lup promised.

Of course Magnus would understand, but he would still be disappointed! Taako knew he had been looking forward to hanging out, just the two of them. Honestly, Taako had, too. It might be a week or more until this flare-up died back down. Bitter frustration twisted his stomach.

“Taako? It’s okay that you’re upset.”

Hot tears were leaking out from under his closed eyelids. “I know,” he choked out.

“Do you want me to call him and tell him you can’t come today?”

Taako sniffled and scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand. “Yeah. Please.”

Lup pulled her stone of farspeech out of her pocket. “Hey, Maggi, you there?”

After a few seconds, Magnus answered, “Yeah, Lup, what’s up?”

“Taako’s not gonna be able to make it today,” she said.

There were more tears on Taako’s face now, and he couldn’t keep up with wiping them away. Lup helped him.

“Oh, is he okay?” Magnus asked, a little worriedly.

“Um…” Lup glanced down at Taako. “He’s having a bad flare-up, Mags.”

Magnus made a little “ _ oof _ ” of understanding. “Do you guys need anything? Does he want some company? I can come over to your place instead.”

Lup squeezed Taako’s shoulder, looking for an answer.

_ Tomorrow _ , he mouthed.

“Maybe you can come by tomorrow?” Lup suggested. “He’s really not up for it right now.”

“Yeah, absolutely. Can I bring anything?” Magnus repeated.

“Just your sparkling personality, Mags,” Lup said with a smile.

“That costs extra!” Magnus laughed.

“We’ll pay in cookies.”

“Oh, that’s alright, then. Hey, Lup? Tell him it’s okay, please? That he can’t come over today. We can do it another time when he’s doing better, it’s okay,” added Magnus.

Lup pressed her hand down gently on Taako’s back as he started crying harder. “Yeah, big guy, I’ll tell him. See you tomorrow.” She put her stone away. “Taako, hey, hey, shhh, Koko, it’s okay.”

“I hate this,” Taako sobbed. “I’m so fucking  _ over _ it.”

“I know. I know.”

“Can you turn me into a lich just so I can build myself a new body that isn’t fucking broken?”

Lup leaned down and gave him a half-hug, pressing her cheek against the top of his head. “I don’t think so, bubbelah.”

“Why not?”

“Because...lots of reasons, Koko, please don’t make me argue with you about this.”

He didn’t make her argue. He hid his face in his elbow and kept sobbing.

“I’ve gotcha,” she murmured. She put her arms around him and held him, keeping him relatively still while he cried so his movements wouldn’t make the pain worse. “Shhh, I’ve gotcha. I’m here with you. I’m here, I see you.”

Just having her there, acknowledging the pain, made it easier to endure. No matter how many things the pain ruined, how often it kept him from being with his family in the ways he would have liked, Taako would never have to be all alone with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucretia's spell (a homebrew spell I found online called Suppress Pain, if u wanna look it up and see what it does mechanically) is basically equivalent to me chugging 4 ibuprofen and 2 glasses of water at 7 in the morning, except Taako doesn't have to wait 20-30 minutes for it to kick in. Lucky Taako.
> 
> My family has been working on renovating our backyard and building a new fence and making and planting garden beds--all physical work I can't help with, so I'm feeling more than a little useless and left out, stuck in my room alone all day. This fic helps. A lot. Expect more soon.
> 
> (Oh hey if you want to see more of my take on Lucretia, and Taako and Lucretia's relationship, check out my fic "Postponing Inevitability". It takes place tangentially in the same universe as this one, and I may reference it occasionally here, especially because I really want to write a chapter of this one focusing on Taako and Lucretia.)
> 
> <3 Hope you are doing well. I'm sending you warm thoughts and good vibes and much love. <3 ~Martin


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy some magnus & taako time! taako is...not feelin' great about stuff. (mild warning for pain-caused insomnia, a bad dream, and general feelings of helplessness)

During the day after he had woken up in so much pain, Taako gradually started feeling better enough that, even after Lucretia's spell wore off a few times, he could manage to sit up. It came and went in waves. When Kravitz came home that evening, Taako could (with his help) even stand up to kiss him. They went to bed.

After half an hour, Kravitz had fallen asleep. Taako, however, was decidedly awake. The pain wasn't quite bad enough to warrant waking anyone up, but it kept spiking just enough to keep him from drifting off.

He was laying on his back after giving up on tossing and turning to find a position that hurt slightly less. Kravitz had reached out in his sleep and his hand was resting on Taako's side. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless as Taako just lay there, awake and in quite a bit of pain, for hours.

_ Maybe if I just focus really hard on keeping totally still, my body will think I don't exist _ , Taako thought. It was a silly exercise, like a child covering their eyes and pretending that if they can't see anyone, nobody can see them. Still, he tried it anyway. He consciously forced every muscle in his body to relax until he was completely, intentionally limp. That didn't make him stop hurting. Instead, it somehow convinced his brain that he was trying to meditate, so he slipped into a trance as opposed to sleep.

_ Functional, if not fun, _ Taako managed to think, and then his mind was blank.

Something brushed the side of his face. He opened his eyes.

"Oh," Kravitz whispered. "Sorry, love, go back to sleep."

"I wasn't asleep," Taako said, no trace of just-woke-up mumbling in his voice. "Elves don't need sleep, silly."

Kravitz stroked his thumb tenderly across Taako's cheekbone. "Technically, neither do undead constructs," he said. "And yet both of us spend plenty of time sleeping. Why were you trancing instead?"

"Wasn't really on purpose, just couldn't sleep." He hated trancing, honestly. If he had any choice in the matter, he would pick sleeping every time, not caring that it took twice as long and there was always the possibility of bad dreams. Trancing made him technically rested, but it never actually made him stop feeling  _ tired _ . And fuck, he was tired. Flare-ups like this always made him so fucking tired.

"I wish you had woken me," Kravitz said.

"Don't worry about it, pumpkin, you know I wake you if I need you. This wasn't worth waking you for." Taako patted his arm. "Really, it's just a little annoying to have to trance instead of sleep."

"Other than that, how are you doing?" Kravitz sounded anxious, like he always did when Taako was having a particularly rough pain day. The concern would be almost irritating from pretty much anyone other than Kravitz, who was anxious and concerned about a lot of things.

"Hm. Definitely better than yesterday morning, around the same as last night. Maybe just a little better than last night," Taako amended. "Not by much." 

"I wish it was more, but I'm glad that it's something," said Kravitz. He kissed Taako's forehead. "Lup said Magnus is going to be here around nine."

"What time is it now?"

"Almost eight."

"Gross. I wanna go to sleep," Taako said, making a face.

"You can go to sleep, I was just going downstairs," Kravitz said.

"Nah, I'll take a nap later. I should probably be awake when Mags gets here, it's only polite. Help me downstairs?" There were a lot of grunts, yelps, and stifled sounds of pain as Taako stood up, the usual chorus of trying to move during a flare-up. With Kravitz's help, and leaning plenty on his cane, Taako managed to get to the living room. He would have liked to go all the way to the kitchen, but that seemed unlikely. He stretched out on the sofa. "I'm gonna hog the whole couch today, sorry."

"Not a problem, there's plenty of places to sit in this house. Can I get you some breakfast?" Kravitz asked.

"Sure, why not?"

As Kravitz left the room, Lup came bounding in. "Oh, good, you're awake!" she said.

"I didn't  _ sleep _ ," Taako returned.

She hopped up to perch on the arm of the couch by his head. "Well, that's no fun."

"Yeah, whatever. So Magnus is coming at nine?"

Lup nodded.

"I hope he doesn't expect me to be good company," Taako groused. "I'm in pain  _ and _ I didn't sleep."

"He knows." Lup reached down and tousled Taako's hair, much to his displeasure. "We are all expecting a very grumpy Taako today."

"Hmph."

"But we love you, so we don't mind."

He wrinkled his nose to hide a smile. "Gross."

"What's gross? Other than being awake, which you told me about already," Kravitz asked, coming back in. He was carrying a plate of toast and a cup of coffee.

"Being loved, apparently," Lup answered for him.

"Ah. In that case, should I take back the breakfast I bring so lovingly?" Kravitz teased.

"Absolutely not, give it to me." Taako sat up so he could eat. He was struggling a little to get upright, and was grateful when Lup silently pressed her hand behind his back for support and then put her knee down so he could lean his head back against her leg.

When Magnus arrived, he brought an air of cheeriness with him that was a little infectious. Taako gave him a small but genuine smile as Magnus leaned down to give him a gentle half-hug. Lup and Kravitz left once Magnus had settled down in a chair.

"How are you doing, buddy?" Magnus asked.

"Not nearly as shitty as I was yesterday, but I didn't get any sleep, so I may be a bit of an asshole until I take a nap, because fun fact, I'm actually just a fuckin' toddler. How are the new dogs? You didn't bring any, did you?" said Taako.

"I did not bring the dogs," Magnus promised. "But they're doing really good. I did bring some of the smaller things we had talked about having you put some flourishes on, though. Only if you're feeling up to it."

"I may not have legs that work, but I can probably cast Transmute a few times. Let's see what you've got." Taako held out his hands, and Magnus placed the first object on them. "This is just another duck, Magnus. What am I supposed to do with this? Are you some kind of duck wizard and everything you touch turns into a carved wooden duck?" He stared with disbelief as Magnus handed him yet another identical duck. "Hey. What the fuck? Or should I say, what the duck?"

"I was thinking you could make them into some kind of pretty rock. They're bookends, for Ango," Magnus explained. "And wood is too light to keep the books in place."

"That's a suspiciously reasonable explanation. What color?" Taako checked, readying the spell.

"Um, something cool?"

Taako rolled his eyes. The first duck became a pale sunshine yellow that sparkled as its crystals caught the light. The second turned a deep, iridescent greenish purple. "Cool enough for you?"

Magnus grinned and took the ducks back. "He will love them. Okay, those were the only ducks, I promise. I have a few other custom items people from town have asked me to make. You up for it?"

"Hand 'em over." Taako was loving this, honestly. It made him feel much less isolated and useless than he did yesterday. He put some touches on some other objects that Magnus gave him, transmuting a golden inlay of the names of a recently married couple on the base of a small picture frame, and a pretty garnet design on the side of a pocket knife handle, among other things.  _ Take that, dumb legs _ , he thinks to himself satisfactorily.  _ I'm making cool shit and hanging out with my family without even having to stand up. As if you're gonna be able to keep me from doing my own thing. _

As Taako finished casting his spells and they kept chatting, Magnus was carving a small block of wood. The shavings were falling onto the carpet.

"I hope you're planning on cleaning that shit up," Taako stated after a while of watching the pile of shavings grow. "You're making a mess."

"How many magic users live in this house?" retorted Magnus. "I don't think you guys even own a broom."

"What are you making, anyway?"

Magnus shrugged. "Not sure yet."

"You always say that, and it's always a duck," Taako muttered.

"Then why do you bother asking anymore?" Magnus said without looking up from his carving.

"I keep hoping that one day, you will surprise me. Your duck army is growing too numerous to be counted. You have an entire lake full of ducks. If ducks suddenly went extinct, we could repopulate the whole planet with ducks from your army," Taako teased.

"Wooden ducks can't repopulate anything, Taako, that's not how nature works," Magus said mildly.

"It's a goof, play along. Yes and, Maggi."

Magnus rolled his eyes, but humored him. "Yes, and if my ducks decided to all fly south for the winter, they'd block out the sun and  _ cause _ winter."

"There we go!" Taako exclaimed. "I ask again, what are you making?"

"Probably a duck," Magnus admitted.

"Aha, the first step towards solving a problem is admitting there is a problem." He paused. "One of these days, someone is going to give you an actual living duck as a pet and you're gonna have no clue what to do with it," contemplated Taako. Suddenly, he yawned. The whole morning had passed while they were talking, and it was after 1:00. "Ugh, I need a nap."

"Okay, take a nap," Magnus replied.

Taako made a whining sound. "My legs hurt. And I don't have a pillow."

Without saying anything, Magnus got up and came over to the couch. He slid one hand under Taako's shoulders. When Taako didn't protest, Magnus lifted him up slightly and sat down so that Taako's head was in his lap. "Can't fix your legs, but I can be a pillow," he said.

"At least you're good for something other than making a proliferation of wooden ducks," Taako said, a smile in his voice. "Finally, after a hundred years, you've figured out your true calling."

"Do you need something for your legs, though? Should I get Lup to bring you something?" Magnus checked.

"Nah, 'm good." Taako's eyes drifted closed as Magnus started playing with his hair.

"You sure?"

"Mags, all I need is a nap. Which I will have, as soon as you quit talking to me."

"Sorry. But are you sure? I know Creesha tried a spell yesterday that worked," Magnus said.

Taako opened one eye and squinted up at him. "Magnus."

"...quitting talking now."

"It was much worse yesterday, anyway. As long as I don't move, it's not so bad right now," added Taako.

"Yeah?"

"First day of a flare-up is usually the worst. And hardest to deal with." He bit back another yawn.

"Thought we were quitting talking?" Magnus laughed.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Sleep well."

Taako didn't have any trouble falling asleep this time. For a while, he was just in a calm, shallow sleep, but that didn't last.

_ He was on the deck of the Starblaster, and they were speeding up, up away from the Hunger which was devouring the planet beneath them. All seven of them were there, he could see them out of the corner of his eyes. He turned to Lup, wanting to take her hand, but then she was gone. _

_ "Lup? Hey, where did Lup go?" Taako asked, turning to Barry. But he was gone, too. One by one, Magnus and Lucretia and Merle disappeared as well. "Dav! Dav, everyone is gone! What's happening?" _

_ "Not sure. Come up to the front!" _

_ Taako started rushing up to the captain's seat at the front of the deck, then let out a cry of horror as he got close enough to see. Davenport wasn't there. Nobody was flying the ship. And as Taako tried to get to the seat so he could take control, his legs gave out underneath him and he collapsed on the deck, unable to reach. The Starblaster started losing momentum right before everything became wobbly, and it reached the peak of its flight. Then it was falling, falling back down towards the Hunger beneath it and Taako couldn't reach the control panel on the dashboard and there was no escape, they were lost, he was falling… _

_ This can't be real. _

Taako gasped. As he woke up, he sat up abruptly. He moved too quickly, though, and fell back down onto Magnus's lap as pain lanced through his lower body.

"Whoa, hey, you okay?" Magnus said, startled.

Heart pounding, breath coming too quickly, Taako shook his head.

Magnus put his arm across Taako's chest, a solid and reassuring weight. "What's wrong, buddy? Bad dream?"

Taako nodded.

"Ah, that sucks. You're safe. Everything's okay."

"Yeah," Taako said shakily. He reached up and held onto Magnus's arm as if it could stop him from falling like he had in the dream.

"Gotcha. Want me to call anyone in? Lup's just in the other room," Magnus offered.

"No, 'm good."

"What was it about?"

"Stupid stuff," Taako muttered in response. He was still shivering. It hadn't been the falling that had freaked him out, but his inability to reach the controls of the ship _ . That's some fuckin' obvious symbolism, do better next time, _ he told his subconscious.

Magnus took that as an indication that Taako wasn't in the mood for a heart-to-heart, so he didn't pry. He let Taako recover.

Once he wasn't as trembly and was breathing steadily with his heart rate back to normal, Taako was wrestling with the conflicting feelings of amnesiac-Taako, who was throwing a hissy-fit at the idea of being seen in such a vulnerable state, and Starblaster-Taako, who knew that Magnus had been with him through much worse situations. Starblaster-Taako won, just barely. He relaxed. "Magnus?" he said.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"How...hey, how do you handle the idea that you can't always protect everyone?"

Magnus didn't answer for a moment. Taako couldn't blame him for that. It was a tough question. "Um. Poorly," he said eventually. "But that's not a helpful answer."

Taako tried to laugh. "Yeah, maybe not. 's okay if that's what you've got, though, honesty can be more helpful than helpful."

"No, but it's not the whole answer, either. Um, when I was training with the Bear, all the way back in the first cycle, he taught me about strength and protecting people and he told me that I'll always be stronger and always be able to protect people better if I'm willing to ask for help. So I guess I just hold onto that, really. I try to remember to trust that other people will help. I know I'm not doing this alone. That helps." Magnus brushed his fingers against the top of Taako's head. "Does that help?"

"I am trying to get better at that," said Taako very quietly. "The whole asking for help thing."

"We can tell. We're really proud of you."

Taako held back the word 'gross'.

"And you can always ask us for help if you need it," added Magnus.

"It's not easy." The words were barely audible. It wasn't easy to talk about this, either.

"No. No, it's not. Believe me, I know. What, um...what made you ask?"

He put his hand up in a sort of  _ we've reached the maximum call volume for emotional vulnerability at the moment, please hold _ gesture. Magnus waited patiently. When he didn't feel quite as much like running away or (more likely, given that he could barely walk, let alone run) wildly changing the subject, Taako brought his hand back down. "'Cause I'm kinda perpetually in a state where I can't always rely on my body to be able to do what I need it to do if someone needs help. Y'know?" he said. "Something as dumb as not being able to help Kravitz carry in groceries. Or if Lup is having a dissociation episode and I can't stand up to get to her. If someone...if someone tries to hurt one of you, there's a really real chance I won't be able to move fast enough to save you. Even with my awesome magic powers," he added, wanting to end on a slightly less serious note. He then ruined it by concluding, "It scares the hell out of me, Mags."

"Oh, man," Magnus said softly. "Yeah. I bet."

"Ugh." Taako reached up and wiped his eyes, realizing that they were a little bit damp. "Look at me, I'm leaking. Gross."

"'s okay. You're okay."

Taako sniffed. “Fuck, I did enough crying yesterday. I’m gonna get all shrivelled up. Like a raisin.”

“Any chance you can sit up enough for me to give you an actual hug?” Magnus asked. “I really wanna give you an actual hug.”

“Nah, probably not the best idea. Taako’s good down here.” Sitting up sounded way too painful. Plus, if Magnus hugged him, Taako would  _ definitely _ not be able to stop crying.

Magnus settled his arm more snugly across Taako’s chest. “Got it. Listen, Taako, I...I don’t really know if there’s anything I can say that’ll make you less scared. But, um, I’m here for you. If you wanna talk about it more. Or if you don’t.”

“It’s currently more of a  _ don’t _ .”

“Understood.”

Still, the anxiety and helplessness from his nightmare wasn’t as bad anymore. He closed his eyes with a sigh. He wanted to find a way to thank Magnus without continuing the whole ‘feelings’ thing--Taako’d had enough of that for one day. Instead of saying anything, he reached up blindly and patted the closest part of Magnus that he could reach, which turned out to be his elbow.

“You’re welcome, buddy,” Magnus whispered.

Taako still didn’t say anything, but he did allow a small smile to steal onto his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am thankfully doing significantly better than i was when i posted the last chapter and i'm not in the middle of a terrible flare-up anymore. i can actually walk! i just have to be really careful not to pick up anything heavy...or climb the stairs too many times...or sit on the couch for more than an hour bc it has terrible support...and it still hurts...just not enough to warrant complaining or taking ibuprofen lmao. i started multiple chapters while i was in the throes of it, tho, and i'm finishing them up, so don't worry, there will still be content even when i don't need to vent so much, tho i might save the chapters for another couple weeks or so
> 
> but hey, if you want more fics from me with fairly similar vibes, check out Elements of Blank (which would have been a better title for this fic now that i think abt the poem that title comes from kjdshflksh) abt taako being touch and affection starved, v much focused on THBs with appearances from other characters which you can find https://archiveofourown.org/works/23791930 here
> 
> or maybe u want more post SaS birds and development of taako and lucretia's relationship which takes place in this same 'verse and taako's chronic pain is referenced a lot, maybe try Postponing Inevitability! it's mostly abt lucretia being targeted by some assassins and everyone else being like "nope nope we're not gonna let that happen" and there's lots of soft stuff and hugging in between the more scary bits and it's https://archiveofourown.org/works/23508004 here
> 
> i'm posting new chapters of both of those regularly! and i'm also working on a much bigger, more plot-driven fic that's already 23K and will probably be much longer, so stay tuned! and stay safe, y'all. take care of urselves. love u. come message me on tumblr @argonaut--keene if you wanna chat abt anything <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Angus is a concerned kiddo and Taako does some explaining <3

It was a great day at work for Taako, because Angus was guest lecturing the only class he taught that day. That meant that Taako could sit in the corner of the front of the classroom and do absolutely nothing. Exactly the way he liked it. (Not that he didn't like teaching. He just had a very specific reputation to uphold which included a public aversion to doing work of every sort, and it was nice to give folks a reminder of that every once in a while.)

The young teenage lecturer was a lot more authoritative than he had been six months ago. Angus was growing into himself. He had shot up almost a whole foot taller in the past year and a half, and he was finally getting the confidence to carry himself like he was 5'6 instead of 4'10. Taako was enjoying watching him instruct the class on the importance of investigation skills for wizard adventurers.

"If you think that your first level Detect Magic spell is going to show you every potential magical danger in an area, you are going to end up very disappointed and quite probably badly hurt," Angus said. "There are dozens of ways to avoid that spell. You need to be able to do the work yourself."

Distracted by watching Angus teach, Taako didn't notice the first little warning twinges in his left leg that signaled oncoming muscle spasms. He was taken by surprise by the surge of pain. Though he did his best to hide it, he saw Angus glance at him. The kid's sharp eyes didn't miss Taako's brief gasp and grimace of pain, but he hardly skipped a beat in his lecture.

The muscle spasms increased in intensity. Trying not to draw attention to himself (he didn't want to distract the students from Angus's lesson), he pretended to get a call on his stone of farspeech and rolled his spinny chair into his office which connected to the lecture hall. He shut the office door, cast Silence on the room, and let himself groan a little.

These spasms weren't the worst part of his ongoing leg problems. They didn't hold a candle to the pain of a really bad flare-up, when he could feel the agony deep in his bones, and he understood by now that they didn't signal an oncoming flare-up, either. They were just extremely unpleasant.

Taako put his head down on his desk and tried to remind himself to take deep breaths, that breathing could only help right now, not make it hurt worse. The nice thing about casting Silence was that he could complain about it as loudly as he wanted and nobody had to hear him, even himself.

"Fuck this! Ow! This is the fucking pits. Ow, ow, shit, ow! Where's Magnus when you need him to chop off a fuckin' limb, huh?" he shouted silently. It wasn't  _ quite _ as satisfying as shouting it loudly, but he would have to make do. Letting out a long groan, Taako kept swearing under his breath, rubbing furiously at his knee in the hope of calming the spasm down. It worked for about ten minutes, then worsened again. "Well, fuck!"

A little while later, the door to his office opened slowly. Angus poked his head in, looking worried. He said something and then frowned when no sound came out.

Taako looked past him, seeing that the lecture hall was empty. He let the Silence spell fall.

"--tried to knock, but you didn't answer--oh, you can hear me now! Sir, are you okay?"

"Ango, did you let the students go early? Class doesn't end for another twenty minutes," Taako said.

"I finished the lecture quickly. I was worried!" Angus replied. He closed the door behind him. "You definitely didn't actually have to take a call, I saw that something was wrong. Are you okay, sir?"

Taako winced. The spasms weren't stopping, and it was hard to try and talk at the same time that he was breathing through the sharp pains. "I'm fine, Agnes."

"But you look...not fine."

"Yeah, pumpkin, my legs aren't doing so great right now."

Angus's eyes got wide. "I thought you were getting better, Taako?"

"Ah, jeez," Taako muttered.

"Should we call Ms. Lup?"

"No, Ango, we do not need to bother my sister," Taako said, trying not to snap. "I'm  _ fine _ ."

"I just thought--" Angus looked very upset. "I thought you were getting better," he repeated quietly. "I'm sorry."

Taako gestured at the other chair in his office. "Don't be sorry. Sit down. I'll explain something when I can…" He bit his lip and held up his hand, getting through another spasm.

Seeming to understand, Angus sat down quietly.

The pain got more manageable over the next few minutes. "Okay," Taako sighed. "Ango, here's the thing I'm not sure you're getting. I'm not gonna  _ get better _ . There's gonna be times that are better and times that are worse, but it's not, like, a linear thing, bubbeleh."

"Oh," Angus said.

"This is a permanent thing. I'm probably gonna use this for the rest of my life." He held up the cane Magnus had carved him. "I guess I thought you already knew that.

"I-I should have. I'm supposed to be the one who notices things."

"No, it's not…"

Angus sniffed and wiped at his eyes. "I suppose I didn't  _ want  _ to know it."

"It's tough for us magic folk when we don't have a spell to fix something," Taako said sympathetically. He had a feeling that this wasn't the time to tease the kid or push him away. "But you can't fix everything. Some things you just live with."

"Can I help? Can I do anything?" asked Angus.

"Not really, no." Seeing the crestfallen look on Angus's face, Taako added, "You already did help by covering for me in the lecture. If you're ever around when I start having a flare-up, then you can help by calling Lup."

Angus looked confused. "Are you not having a flare-up now?"

"Ha. Oh, Agnes. I would not be talking to you this calmly if I was having a flare-up," Taako said with a laugh. "Remember when I was sprawled on the kitchen floor just sort of screaming and you gave us the good trick with the hot compresses? Flare-ups look more like that. I'm just having some little muscle spasms right now. If I can walk and talk, I'm just fine."

"Oh. Okay." There was a lot of alarm in Angus's expression, though he seemed to be trying to hide it. “H-how often do you...have a flare-up?”

“Depends. Every couple months on average, I get a really bad one. But having one makes it more likely to have another right after, and makes the bad days more frequent for a while at the very least.”

“That’s why you never put out class schedules ahead of time,” Angus realized. “Some of the students were asking me if I knew why that was.”

“Yeah, pretty much. But I also just like to keep ‘em guessing,” Taako said with a grin.

“That makes sense.” Angus grew quiet.

Taako pushed himself to his feet and reached out to ruffle Angus’s hair. “Well, I’m gonna head home. If you’re not too busy with smart-boy stuff, you could come with me. Lup’s making dinner.”

Angus looked up at him and smiled. “I’m not too busy. Thanks, sir.”

“Yeah, well, there’s plenty of food,” Taako said, waving it off. “C’mon, detective boy, how is it that the guy with the cane is already almost out of the room and you’re still sitting down?”

“Just giving you a head start,” Angus said cheekily.

Taako pretended to be offended as Angus darted out of the office ahead of him, but he couldn’t exactly hide the fondness in his eyes when the kid looped back to walk beside him on their way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've just accepted by now that this particular fic is going to be very sporadic in its updates, hope y'all don't mind.
> 
> Also would you mind if the next like, 2-3 chapters prominently feature cats? Bc I'm giving Taako cats and I want to write about them in the context of this story. 
> 
> I've been doing the physical work of rearranging stuff in my bedroom and organizing everything and even though I did very little lifting of furniture, I'm having a minor flareup which is annoying. For the most part, it's fine, but then I try to walk and occasionally my left leg will just...not support my weight and I'll just collapse. Again, more of an inconvenience than anything else, and thank goodness for my walking stick, but it is definitely irritating that I can't carry more than will fit in one hand. On the upside, I'm getting a recliner for my room which is going to absolutely slap! I'll be able to sit and read comfortably without having to walk downstairs! Just existing in this space which is now easier to move around in and keep clean and work in is drastically improving my mental health and my anxiety around going back to college full-time in a month via distance learning. (Pls excuse me using the notes of this fic as a journal/therapist lmao.)
> 
> Hope you're all doing well! Feel free to come chat w/me on tumblr @argonaut--keene (and if u want my discord, just send me a message on tumblr and I'll hand it over!). Stay awesome! <3 ~Martin


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a pretty wild ride fkdsjhakjsdf, but if you were looking forward to cat content based on my notes from last chapter, you will not be disappointed! Ta-da! Cat content! Cat content and a heck of a lot of Taakitz, because I'm apparently feeling very sappy tonight. <3

Psychologically, the first few days after a flare-up had died down were pretty hard. Pain wasn't really the right word for the constant sensation he was experiencing today; it was more like...fragility. From his lower back to his ankles, it felt as if his bones were made of cracking porcelain. Every step he took could be the step that shattered the frail ceramic of his body and sent him crashing, broken, to the floor. But since it didn't technically  _ hurt _ , it was hard to convince himself not to push his body too far.

"You don't have to get up, love," Kravitz said mildly as Taako tried to slowly push himself up off the couch without actually bearing any of his weight on his legs.

"I want," Taako said through gritted teeth, "to go outside and get some herbs out of the garden for dinner." He got his feet underneath him and immediately had to grab for his cane and the side of the couch so he didn't fall. It felt like every part of his legs was about to slide out of place.

“Taako!” gasped Kravitz. Immediately, he was standing there, arms out, ready in case Taako wanted some extra support. “Are you alright?”

“Fucking--no, I’m not fucking  _ alright _ .” Taako closed his eyes. “Kravitz, I love you and I appreciate you trying to help me. I am saying this right now because I need you to step away for a minute. Like,  _ now _ .”

Kravitz stepped away.

Taako sat back down. He rested his forehead on the handle of his cane, taking deep breaths, and let go of the idea of walking outside. Even sitting upright made his hips and lower back feel precarious, so he laid down. Now he was breathing shallowly as his body adjusted to the change in position by stiffening his muscles to the point of pain to keep him still. After a minute or so, he could relax and breathe normally.  _ Shit, I should probably talk to Kravitz, _ he thought. Out loud, he said, "I want to transplant some of the herbs into pots and bring them into the kitchen."

"Sounds like a good plan," Kravitz said. "You can grow new herb plants from cuttings, usually, I don't think you actually have to fully transplant them."

"Even better." Taako brought his hand up and rested it on his forehead, rubbing his temples. “Oh, shit, you’re supposed to be working tonight, aren’t you? You leave in an hour.”

“Um. Yes, but I can always--”

“Ask someone to cover your shift?” said Taako dryly. “Lup and Barry have been out reaping all day already, and they have plans for the night. No, that’s fine. Is…”  _ Oh, nobody else is around, are they? I’m going to be spending the night alone. _ Not that he was incapable of being alone, but when it was this difficult to walk or even sit up, it was nice to have someone around as a sort of safety net. Hell, he would be fine with Lucretia hanging around if she was the only one available.

“Do you want me to see if Magnus can come over?” offered Kravitz. He knew, of course, exactly what Taako was thinking about.

“No, he’s got that festival in Raven’s Roost, remember? Plus his new puppies are still too young to be left alone and I don’t want them in my house,” said Taako.

“Oh, right…Merle?”

“As if he could get here in an hour.”

“Um...Lucretia?”

Taako almost laughed. “She’s with Capnport on his ship for the week. I’ll be fine, pumpkin. Well, I won’t stress about the herbs, then, we can just have leftovers. Let’s eat now and you can help me to bed before you go.” A while ago, he and Kravitz had switched to a bedroom on the first floor so that Taako didn’t have to climb any stairs. That had definitely made things a little easier.

After they ate and Taako was settled reasonably comfortably in bed, Kravitz lingered beside him, hesitant to leave. “Are you  _ sure _ you don’t want me to figure out someone to stay in the house?” he checked.

“I would like you to go to work and stop being a...a helicopter parent.”

“A what?”

“Nevermind,” Taako sighed. Sometimes, the sayings he had picked up on other planes didn’t translate well on Faerun. “Just. Again, as much as I appreciate the help when I ask for it, what Taako is definitely good without is anyone being overprotective, ‘kay?”

Kravitz nodded. “Sorry, love. I’ll remember that.”

“Sweet, now come kiss me and then  _ go _ to  _ work _ before the Bird Mama marks you late.” Taako kissed him. “G’night. Try not to wake me if you come back at like four in the morning.”

“Do my best,” Kravitz promised, and he left.

Taako picked up the book on his bedside table and started reading. A few hours ticked past before he couldn’t focus on the book anymore. The house was just...too quiet. He considered calling someone, but he didn’t actually want to  _ talk _ . He just kind of wanted someone else to be existing near him. If he had felt like this at a time when walking was easier, he would have gone out and sat somewhere in a public place and listened to the people around him. That wasn’t really an option right now.

He gave up on the book and turned the lights off with a Mage Hand. Sleep wasn’t coming easily, either--if he had a nightmare, he really didn’t want to wake up to an empty house. But he drifted off eventually and slept rather fitfully until Kravitz came home early in the morning and climbed into bed.

“G’d night a’ work?” Taako mumbled.

“It was alright. Didn’t mean to wake you, go back to sleep.”

Taako shifted closer to him, dragging his legs as dead weight. He situated himself in Kravitz’s arms, sighing softly.

“I’m here, go back to sleep,” whispered Kravitz.

“Love you.” Taako blinked up at him with a sleepy smile. Kravitz was looking back at him with a tired but extremely fond expression. “Hey, Krav?”

“What’s up, love?”

A more mischievous smile crept onto Taako’s lips. “I want a cat,” he said.

Kravitz stifled a yawn. “Okay, let’s get a cat.”

“Really?”

With a shrug, Kravitz closed his eyes and pulled Taako closer. “I like cats, and if it’ll make you happy? Sure. Let’s get a cat.”

Taako hadn’t expected it to go quite that well. He had a whole speech in mind about how he had been  _ sooooo lonely _ while everyone was gone and having a cat in the house would have made it much less boring, but he didn’t even need to pull out the dramatics. “Cool,” he said. Snuggled against Kravitz’s chest, he went back to sleep.

A few days later, Taako had recovered enough from the flare-up to go to the pet shelter in Neverwinter. Kravitz opened up a rift to get them most of the way there, so they only had to walk up the path and through the door.

Sitting at the welcome desk, a young dwarf woman looked up and started her clearly prepared speech. “Welcome to Neverwinter’s Animal Shelter, how can--” She saw Taako and her eyes widened, but she tried to keep her cool and continue the speech. “Um, how, how can we help you today?”

Taako came up to the desk and put his hand on it to stabilize himself, leaning onto his cane as well before winking at her. “Hey, darlin’. I want a cat. Do you have some cats here?”

“Uh, y-yes, sir, we have...lots of cats.” Her nametag identified her as Anna. She was staring at him.

“Okay, elephant in the room first, I get it. Yes, hello, I’m Taako. Yes, that Taako. You get...hm, let’s say three questions, does that sound fair?” he said lightly.

“What kind of cat are you looking for?”

“Oh, well, I meant...not necessarily that sort of question, most people have like, a lot of other questions they want to ask, but honestly, you’re being really refreshing and straight to the point. I like you,” Taako told her. He glanced at Kravitz. “What kind of cat  _ are _ we looking for?”

“I’m not picky,” he said with a smile.

“Cool. In that case…” Taako thought about it for a second. “Okay, I want to see the grumpiest, least loveable cat you have who’s been here the longest.”

Anna winced. “Oh, are you sure, Taako?”

“No, but let me see the cat, then we’ll talk.”

“Alright, can you follow me?” she made sure. “I can try to bring her out here if that would be easier for you.”

Taako tapped his finger against his cane. “I’m good to go see the cat, but thanks for the, uh, consideration.”

“We pride ourselves on being an accessible facility,” Anna replied. “Right this way!” She led him and Kravitz down into a part of the building where there were several small rooms with see-through doors where two or three cats were living, and a couple of larger rooms that each had, at Taako’s count, six cats in them. Further down the hallway, there were some smaller kennels. “Ms. Blue is definitely the cat that’s been here the longest. She’s thirteen years old, blind in one eye, and has a twisted back foot. I love her to pieces, but she hasn’t been adopted yet because she has a tendency to, um, bite anyone who tries to touch her?”

“Y’know, I feel that,” said Taako.

“She’s had a few foster families, and they’ve made a little progress with her, but they haven’t been able to fix her biting habit. She also can’t stand being around other cats, so she’s in a single.” Anna brought them to one of the kennels. In the back corner, behind a small scratching post and next to a round cat bed sat a scrappy cat with short, grey tabby fur, a long, elegant tail, and two blue eyes--one clear, one cloudy. She fixed Taako with an intense stare, then flicked her ears at him. He flicked his ears back at her. “Hey, she isn’t hissing!” said Anna. “That’s better than the last time someone came and looked at her--but then, they had a six-year old kid with them. She doesn’t really like kids.”

“I think I love her,” Taako stated. “No offense, Krav, but this cat might be my soulmate.”

The cat stood up and stalked towards the bars at the front of the kennel. She limped a little, favoring her back right foot, then she rubbed her head against the bars and made a slightly hoarse mewing sound.

Anna closed the door to the hallway and opened the kennel door. The cat jumped down and wound herself around Taako’s legs without actually touching him. Then she did the same to Kravitz.

“Okay, yep, I think this cat is coming home with us,” Kravitz said. “Is there an adoption fee, or…?”

“All our animals are free to good homes, but we accept donations!” Anna replied. She looked thrilled that Ms. Blue was finding a home.

Taako wrote a check for a donation, the amount of which made Anna’s eyes go very wide, but she didn’t comment. She brought out a cardboard carrying crate and managed to coax the cat into it, closed it, and handed it to Kravitz.

“We’ve got food and supplies available for purchase here if you need anything. We suggest keeping a new cat in one room of the house for a week or so to let them adjust to the new smells and sounds and people.”

“We bought everything I think we need from Fantas-Ebay already,” said Kravitz.

Taako shrugged. “I may have gone slightly overboard on fishing pole toys, but who’s to say, really?”

“There’s no such thing as too many fishing pole toys,” said Anna promptly.

Shooting some finger guns, Taako replied, “We’re on the same wavelength, my dude.”

“Well, you seem very prepared. Ms. Blue--and of course you're welcome to change her name, she doesn't answer to it or anything and she had a different name before coming to this shelter--will thank you, and I thank you too, ‘cause it means I don’t have to give a lecture on cat care-taking. So...thanks. And, um,” Anna blushed a little. “Thanks, also, for...saving the world?”

“Worth it for the cats, pumpkin.” Taako winked. “C’mon, Krav, let’s get my soulmate home.”

Once they were home and in their bedroom with the door closed, Kravitz placed the cat carrier down in the corner and opened its door. He and Taako sat down on the bed, pretending to ignore the cat so she could explore without feeling stressed.

"I hope she likes the bed and the toys we bought her," Kravitz said.

Taako shrugged. "She's an old lady, who knows if she'll even want to play with toys. Chill, my dude. Have you ever had cats before?"

"I don't think so. Have you?"

"Yeah, when me and Lup settled down back home to go to school at the IPRE Academy, a couple of strays adopted us and decided to live in our apartment. Cats just do whatever they want. They're not like dogs who get sad when their toys aren't in the right place or whatever. Cats can sort out their own problems." Taako watched from the corner of his eye as the cat started creeping out of the carrier. Her ears were cautiously swiveled back and she sniffed at the wall.

"No wonder you like them," Kravitz said with a smile.

Taako stuck his tongue out. "Don't psychoanalyze me, bone boy."

"Do you think she'll get stressed stuck in here with us, though? Maybe she doesn't want to be around people," said Kravitz.

"Nah, you've got to let cats know you're chill if you want them to trust you. That means kinda just sitting in the same room while they do their thing. And not making any loud noises or sudden movements. And also not trying to touch them before they're ready," Taako explained.

Kravitz gave him a look.

"I  _ said _ to stop psychoanalyzing me!" protested Taako.

"You have to admit, there are some striking similarities--"

Taako cast Polymorph and turned into a small brown tabby cat. He glared up at Kravitz and swatted at his arm, keeping his claws in.

Kravitz put his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. "No, of course, I see, there's no similarities at all. You should probably stay an elf for now. Anna said that Ms. Blue doesn't like other cats."

Letting go of the spell, Taako nodded. "Guess I won't be turning into the crazy cat person with like twenty cats in the house, huh? My soulmate down there probably wouldn't like that." He gestured towards the cat, who was currently investigating Taako's desk chair. She put her front paws up on the seat, did a little wiggle, and attempted to jump up onto it. Hindered by her back leg injury, she didn't make it all the way. She fell back down onto the ground with a slightly undignified  _ mewp _ noise. "I know the feeling," Taako told her. "No need to be embarrassed."

The cat made another effort. This time, she managed to get up into the seat. From there, she climbed onto Taako's desk. They had luckily cat-proofed the room, so there wasn't much for her to get into up there. She stepped delicately onto a pile of papers and curled up, tucking her nose under her tail.

"There's a  _ cat bed _ on the floor next to the desk," Kravitz noted. "And yet--"

"Hey, I'm not going to complain that she's already comfy enough here to sleep out in the open," said Taako. "But hm...I'm not super enchanted with the shelter's name for her. How would you feel about changing it?"

"Oh, sure. Did you have a name in mind?"

Taako looked at the cat thoughtfully. "Rugelach," he stated.

"Pardon?"

"Like the cookie? Rugelach. Good solid name."

Kravitz paused. "Is that the rolled cookie with the filling between the twists?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, wow, I haven't eaten one of those...since I was alive," Kravitz admitted. "I think I completely forgot about their existence."

"Well, I will have to make us some to celebrate Ms. Rugelach joining the family," announced Taako. "Maybe tomorrow. If I'm capable of standing long enough."

"That would be really nice." Kravitz was watching Rugelach now, a wistful expression on his face.

“Whatcha thinkin’, pumpkin?” Taako asked fondly. “Happy we have a cat now?”

Kravitz glanced at him, then leaned over and kissed him. “Yes, of course. But mostly I’m happy that  _ you’re _ happy we have a cat now. And I’m thinking again about how ridiculously lucky I am to have you in my not-life.”

Taako sputtered briefly, feeling his face heat up. Then he felt the cool pressure of Kravitz’s hand on his wrist--consistent, patient, not demanding anything in return. He took a breath and smiled. “Yeah, back at you, bone boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'know, I'm not even gonna vent abt my current flare-up tonight. This chapter is just gonna be fluff and cats (except for the little bit of angst at the beginning lol) and I'm going to stay positive. I hope all of you are doing well! I just spent a few minutes looking through all of the comments and tearing up a little bit before posting this chapter, and I want all of you to know how much I appreciate you and the time you spend reading my fic. I am so glad that I could provide any measure of entertainment and/or catharsis to any of you. Thank you to everyone who has left a comment or a kudo or a bookmark.
> 
> I hope you all like Rugelach! I adore this sweet grumpy old lady, she's going to be featured in a lot of future chapters! <3 ~Martin


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